So The Herbstreit is an oracle of knowledge, he appears to us mere mortals from time to time to hand down tidbits from his copy of Gray’s Sports Almanac to guide us on our feeble way, and of course we eat it up. You may recognize him from his work in announcing Les Miles and John Tenuata to Michigan back in December. What’s that you say? Not enough? This past summer The Herbstreit foretold of the glorious 2007 season that Anthony Morelli delivered as he led Penn State to an undisputed Big 10 title… Yes, that Anthony Morelli (cue sounds of Penn State fans slapping themselves and blaming officials)
Pay no attention to that branch… moving around over there by that tree, it’s just a branch. Nothing to look twice at, nothing to be alarmed about… this could be gravy.
You’re goddamn right he’s a stone cold soothsayer, The Herbstreit doesn’t speak of the pompitous of love, he IS the pompitous of love… roll that one around for a bit, no some more, not yet, one more time… there you go. Missed out on these golden opportunities to cash in? Too bad, if you had paid attention you’d be swimming in a pool with Scrooge McDuck and Biff Tannen oiling Herbstreit up on the side … does it hurt to swim in money? Only if you’re poor, and even then, it hurts less than an otter bite. Nevermind that Tenuata is now at Notre Dame and Les is still doing things with Voodoo that are undoubtedly illegal down in batoooooooooon roooooooooouge.
So what then are we left to ponder when The Herbstreit appeared again recently to proclaim a 6 win season for the Michigan Wolverines next season? Very little really, he has told us what will be, and it shall be so. It’s really better this way people, it is. My fellow Wolverines and I have resigned ourselves to gathering supplies and hoping that we can simply outlast the never-ending winter that has been set before us. Thankfully we’ll have basketball...um...scratch that - hockey to look forward to.
So here’s my question, why would Kirk Herbstreit actually be sitting around doling out predictions at this time of the year? Surely four letter network doesn’t need any more hype, surely he is well aware of the fact that nobody has a clue what the majority of teams will actually look like next fall at this point in time… right? Is it purely to get a reaction and keep traffic on various news sites humming along? Well no, you see these comments stemmed from an interview he had on a certain hack radio show hosted by a certain uber hack who simply asked him to look into his crystal ball for the Wolverines next season. Herbie took the opportunity to chortle and laugh with an uncommon level of confidence for someone who’s team has now been crank slapped, not once, but twice in a row on the national stage.
Now I’m a reasonable man, believe me I am, I understand that the winds of change are blowing through Michigan’s metaphorical Gorky park here… but 6 wins? A quick check of the ol’ ledgers seems to indicate that the Wolverines have dropped 6 games… um… well… twice since 1967 (’67 and ’84)… Well I’m sure that’s pretty normal… let’s see what about USC? What? They lost 6 games in ’96 and ’99? Oh. Nebraksa? ’04 and ’07?? Damnit, hold on Kirk, we’ll find a good one here… just two seconds…. Ohio State, surely the paragons of the Big 10 universe have had a supreme and virtuous run of consistency… wait what? They lost 6 games in ’88 and in ’99? Fiddlesticks… Perhaps I’m not giving Kirk enough credit, maybe he did in fact look at the schedule:
Aug. 30 UTAH
Sept. 6 MIAMI (OHIO)
Sept. 13 at Notre Dame
Sept. 27 WISCONSIN*
Oct. 4 ILLINOIS* (HC)
Oct. 11 TOLEDO
Oct. 18 at Penn State*
Oct. 25 MICHIGAN STATE*
Nov. 1 at Purdue*
Nov. 8 at Minnesota*
Nov. 15 NORTHWESTERN*
Nov. 22 at Ohio State*
Right… so um… yeah I got nothin’ really… 6 losses with that schedule? We do the miniature version of the Tour D’Ohio that the Buckeyes have perfected lately and he’s calling for 6 losses?
So of course my first inclination upon hearing this sort of savoir-faire prediction was to simply shrug and say “damn that fucking Herbstreit, damn him to hell”. Naturally this is the reaction found all over the college football world anytime someone who has been given the artificial title of “analyst” makes an incredibly ill-informed and fuck-it-I’m-turning-off-my-targeting-computer- and-shooting-from-the-hip type of comment. The larger and more existential question should be why does anyone CARE what he or any other of the talking heads has to say? What has Herbstreit EVER done outside of his sterling impression of a punching bag in a Buckeye uniform to merit any sort of credibility as an authority on college football? I mean seriously… why on God’s sweet green Earth is he ok with making predictions regarding next year’s football season in January… that’s not Juneuary or Julyuary, it’s the real deal here: January. You know, as in seven months plus away from opening kick, as in two months away from spring practice, as in we haven’t even packed up the circus after signing day yet.
I’m picking on Kirk here, but to be fair, when was the last time the college football world had an analyst or announcer that was the caliber of say, Chris Collinsworth for the NFL? The problem here is, all “analysts” have to do is contribute to the hype and stir the pot and the ratings will come. There’s no accountability for being dead wrong constantly (Beano Cook, Corso, Mark May, really the list goes on and on…). All it takes to be a football analyst is to be old, loud, and have a schtick, or be recent former player who doles out predictions with an aw-shucks and then bends over backwards to be “objective”. We’ve cheapened ourselves, you and me John Q. Football fan, we’ve become women of negotiable affection for the game we love… and that’s sad. We deserve better gosh darn it, we deserve much better. So keep that in mind over the coming months when your team is slandered, disgraced, overly-praised, overly hyped, or granted manifest destiny to the throne even if you’re really just a decent SEC team who plays nobody out of conference.
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1 comments:
Does it hurt to swim in money? Only if you're poor...
That's great.