If Combine Meant Concentration...

An Inmate with Number LB6 performs one of the many physically excruciating tasks at the "NFL Combine"

College should take at least 6 years. Hell, that's how long it took us - and that doesn't count the year we lived in the maintenance shed eating the Hub's leftover cheese toasties. That sounds like the easy life man, except that those cheese
toasties were cubed and recycled as croûtons before they got thrown out. Civil War hard-tac be damned, these things were like ice cubes of grease and cheese, which tasted exactly how you'd think they would - delicious. Don't believe us? We've got a smile like Lloyd Christmas to prove it.

Why on earth a young man who isn't living in the maintenance shed would want to actually cut his college experience shorter absolutely boggles the mind - and yet - around this time, hundreds of these young men are rounded up and herded into the RCA Dome in Indianapolis for the annual livestock show that is the NFL combine. Since we don't keep up too much with the professionals (their shiny teeth drive us to distraction), I thought I'd give a quick rundown of what this "combine" is all about, and let me tell you - it ain't pretty. In fact, from our basic understanding of the schedule, the "athletes" are processed, interrogated, forced to perform physical acts, then released. Those who don't perform are "cut." So follow us into the murky waters of the NFL combine, and Abandon Hope all Ye Who Enter Here.


Day 1:

Inmates...err...athletes are rounded up into a large room with concrete floors and harsh lighting. It is here that they are assigned a number. This number will be their name for the duration of their stay at the RCA Dome/Concentration Center.

Inmates are taken to a Hospital where x-rays and health examinations take place. This is the time that first "cuts" are made. Any inmate deemed too unfit to participate in the..ahem..activities is terminated.

Inmates are placed in a large holding cell and given the instructions that will allow them to survive the ordeal. Instructions include when tests are, what their "job" will be, when to show up for experiments, etc.

If an Inmate is lucky enough, an organization may be willing to sponsor him to compete in their gladiatorial contests without seeing many of the physical tests. In this case, the Inmate is shuffled into an interrogation room for questioning by the organization.

Lights out.

Day 2:

Physical Measurements are taken of teach inmate. These measurements include Height, Weight, Arm Length, and Hand Span. Those who do not make the "cut" are terminated.

Camp Officials then go over, in detail, every past injury of each inmate. There is no cut here, but those deemed "injury prone" are likely to be terminated.

High profile inmates who are guaranteed a sponsorship in gladiatorial contests are interviewed by the media for the fascination of the blood thirsty crowds. Panem et circenses, folks, panem et circenses. [ed. 10 points to the reader who leaves the history of that quote in the comments section]

Inmates are taken to "testing" rooms where highly secretive "wonderlic" psychological testing is done. A failure of the "wonderlic" psychological test could mean termination, depending on the result of the physical testing. One famously high profile inmate managed to escape termination despite sub-par "scores" on the "wonderlic" psychological test.

Again, inmates are interrogated by sponsorship organizations. Questions become more invasive, and those who answer wrong are terminated.

Lights Out.


This inmate RB39 was briefly sponsored before being terminated.


Day 3:

Inmates are herded into the same large holding cell where they are instructed with what they will have to do when they are selected for gladiatorial combat. The weary inmates have been so narrowed by now that many who remain will indeed be selected to compete in the arena.

These inmates are then issued more "wonderlic" testing, and interrogated by their potential sponsors.

Lights Out.

Day 4:

In this, the most physical day, many of the inmates will be terminated based on sub-par athletic performance. The inmates are tested based on 40 yard dash time, bench press, the diabolical three cone drill, broad jump, vertical jump, 20 yard shuttle, 60 yard shuttle. They are then sorted, often by height and weight, into "positions" based on the area that they are likely to be placed once in the arena. From here, they are given more drills to run based on what "position" they will occupy in the Arena. This lasts most of the day, with potential sponsors watching every move. Those who turn in sub par performances are terminated.

The remaining gladiators are then free to go until they are contacted by their sponsoring organizations during something called the "draft." Fame awaits them in the Arena. They are the lucky ones.