Ohio State: The University of the Gods!!!

The very couch on which Zoot Doonsburg was conceived

I’ll give you three guesses about what a high school football player does at night: homework, call Quest to find hot young singles in his local neighborhood, or think about college football. I’m guessing that it is probably the latter although the second one is possible.
The vast majority of high school ballers will end up like Al Bundy, sitting on their couch thirty years later reminiscing about their high school days with one hand around a beer, and the other down their pants. But for a select few who have the talent to play collegiate ball, they get to choose where they will likely spend their next three to five years. So as a highly touted high schooler with offers from all over the country, how do you decide where to go? If you’re Kevin Hart, you don’t waste time waiting for a school to offer you anything. You set up a massive media frenzy and dictate where you go…until the school says no. Most kids though play coy and pretend to care about education and the school but what matters most is the coach’s track record. Can he win consistently and take his players to the next level? What is he putting on the table? If you are a coach in the SEC, you might offer your players money, nice rides, and classes which ask how many points you get for a three pointer (answer is 3). The Pac 10 might offer sexy beach blonde girls with fake tits. Even the Big 12 offers plenty of sheep for their horny farm boys. So how is a guy supposed to choose? To begin with, fuck all the other conferences, Big 10 is where they should go (I might be a little biased). It offers great schools with die hard fans who care about their teams and players. You have beautiful campuses, a credible education if they are interested(a knock on most other conferences who have one or two schools with a reliable educational backgrounds), world class facilities, and Midwest charm.
I am sick and tired of the experts who predict wins and losses and which team had the best recruiting class. If they were right, Notre Dame should have won the championship at least three times over by now. Pundits will wave their arms around wildly, wearing flashy/tacky suits, with one hand pointing at the monitor and the other holding a pen to make us believe they know how to write and often do so. But honestly, we all know these guys are idiots with the exception of one or two guys. Fox sports discriminates heavily, choosing retards with an IQ below 60. They claim everything is cyclical, and the SEC is currently the number one conference. I totally agree SEC makes for exciting football. But there are many conferences in D-1 which can be a good home for the student athlete. He needs to find a place where he can showcase his talent while developing for a professional career. He wants to go to a reputable program with proven results but also a place where he can stand out. In the Big-10 that basically rules out Northwestern, Iowa, Purdue, Indiana, Minnesota, and until recently, Illinois. Don’t get me wrong, the previous schools are all great and I would much rather go to them than any piece of shit in the SEC. But these schools just don’t have the track record of a school like Michigan, Michigan State, Ohio State, Penn State, Wisconsin. And among these five, hands down a player should choose Ohio State if he is blessed enough to have Jim Tressel knocking on his door.
A few minor stats: Ohio State is tied with Notre Dame and USC for the most number of Heisman Trophy winners at 7. Michigan is the next highest in the Big 10 with 3. OSU also claims the most number of national championships in the Big 10 with seven, fourth behind Notre Dame with 12, Alabama with 10, and USC with 9. Michigan is a close second with 6. Ohio State has produced the most number of NFL players in the Big 10 at 364 (Michigan has 312, Penn State has 310). Tressel has proven that he will change the system to adapt to the player’s ability. Look at the differences in offenses run by Craig Krenzel and Troy Smith. Where else can you revel in watching the greatest band in the land and the tradition of the dotting of the i besides OSU? Where else will you find rabid fans willing to travel across the country to watch their team with such ferocity? A booster shelled $200,000 just so the band could travel with the team when they faced Texas three years ago. Ohio State has the fourth largest stadium in the nation, always packed. It has world class facilities with some of the latest equipment. They even have a fulltime Japanese masseuse who gives a great happy ending after she helps you stretch …although that might be just a rumor. To quote Larry David, OSU is “pretty, prettah, PRETTTTTTY, pretty good.”