Penn State builds glass stadium - will offer free rocks to first 100,000 through the gates

Penn State hasn't beaten Michigan since joining the Big Ten

Dear Penn State fans and Joe Tiller,

Champ just wanted to write you folks to extend the deepest, most sincere "fuck off" that I could manage to cultivate from the depths of my soul [ed: and that is one deep, dark, dank, and any other descriptive D word that fits the alliteration's soul]. No seriously, one more time..boom - right in your collective grill, I hope that’s good and clear enough for you. It’s always rich when two perennial losers to Michigan and two of the most vocally whining groups in the conference get their panties in a collective bunch over a complete non-issue, but recent developments are simply too much for me to take. Take your ball and go home to cry to mommy gentlemen, you simply didn’t make the cut. Quit falsifying information, quit making things up just to get angry about them like a 13 year old emo girl, buck up, and shut up. Allow me to address the Penn State faithful first.

Here’s exactly what these two parties are upset about: two high school teammates (first clue dumbasses) of an already verbally committed Michigan recruit were offered and decided to come to Ann Arbor late in the recruiting game. This is a stunning development in Happy Valley and in West Lafayette because their fans suddenly would have you believe that their recruiting is carried about in the same way 18th century tennis matches are played, with nothing but honor and decorum, why would I rip a backhand winner at the dear old chap when that would cause him to not only move, but likely perspire? Penn State fans call Michigan fans elitist, and in the same breath turn around and claim that their superior program would never stoop to such a level... this from the same program that yoinked Anthony Morelli (great get guys) out from under Pitt’s nose. Of course, that snake-in-the-grass cheater Lloyd Carr managed to have Chad Henne commit to Michigan despite his prior verbal to Penn State. The single most hilarious thing here is that no such “stooping” occurred. What happened is in no way, shape, or form a violation of ANY rule. Penn State fans are mad at Michigan and Rich Rodriguez for OUT RECRUITING THEM. They channel this anger into accusations based upon a speculated “unwritten rule” that was referenced by Joe Tiller… you’ve got to be kidding me, no seriously, you’ve got to be kidding me.

I don’t have much to say about Buckeye fans, but I will give them this: When they were going through their streak of losses in “THE GAME”, at least they had the wherewithal to recognize that the problems were on their side of the fence and not look for every possible lame-duck scape-goat pathetically sniveling type of excuse they could get their hands on. They took their losses like men, and they let their own program hear about it...as God intended. Penn State fans should take note.

Here’s a question: Let’s just say that Joe Recruit, a standout running back, is trying to decide where to attend school next fall. He’s been recruited heavily by Penn State and not received much attention from another large program that we’ll call Michigan. Suddenly, Michigan has a coaching shake-up, and now you have offers coming down the pipe from both schools. What is going to make Penn State more attractive, particularly to a running back? Let’s see, I’m a high-profile running back / athlete, and I’ve been offered by Michigan who cranks these types of players out left and right and now will be utilizing an offense that I will feature prominently in. Orrrrrrrrr I could head to Happy Valley, where everyone bitches about the offense, the general lack of involvement of playmakers, and current nesting place of a coach who may or may not be the head coach 3 years down the road. Penn State is where recruits like Derrick Williams go to die, but hey I’m sure that had nothing to do with the young man’s thought process. Let’s add in the fact that his former teammates are jumping on board in Ann Arbor, and well gosh dang that probably paints a pretty attractive picture now then don’t it?

Well not if you’re a member of the Penn State stitch and bitch club! For them what logically happened was that the snake-in-the-grass-wizard-hat-wearing bastard Rich Rodriguez went in and did something dirty and most-likely-cheating-in-nature… because that’s the only way Penn State loses… you know… is if others cheat. Congratulations Penn State fans, you’ve managed to jump the shark. Again. You’ve spent your credibility to the point that not only does nobody care about what you’re bitching about, but now you’re just digging yourselves a bigger and bigger hole. The saddest part of this is that the Penn State fans that Champ knows would NEVER act like their internet and far more vocal (yet somehow snively and high pitched) brethren. These types of Nittany Lion faithful are the ones who have to search for reasons to vent their frustration at the fact that for the last 11 years (9 games) Michigan has bettered them on the gridiron.

The very argument that there is some sort of “gentleman’s agreement” in the Big 10, and furthermore that Purdue and Penn State both uphold this so-called “agreement” to the absolute highest of standards is flat out laughable. Let me say it again: LAUGHABLE. I absolutely LOVE the notion that Nittany Lion fans are trying to take potshots at Michigan fans by giving out Nostradamus like predictions of Rodriguez (of course, they of such high integrity must butcher his name into some sort of slanderous yet wholly uncreative phallic reference) being a total scumbag and look at what we’ve become type of garbage. They make vague references to “patterns of behavior” of which they can reliably reference exactly ZERO sources and can reference exactly ZERO instances of such behavior that would qualify for anything beyond hearsay. Because Rodriguez now sports a block M on his cap, he’s a scumbag. The inferiority complex isn’t quite as becoming as you folks might deign think it to be. There’s “two patterns” of behavior I’ve noticed:

1. Penn State fans crying about anything and everything, claiming moral high ground while they pelt opposing fans with beer cans (and laugh about it) and their players beat people senselessly on university property and are punished by... cleaning the stadium for an hour or two on Sundays.

2. 9 straight losses to Michigan and an inability to deal with it

Newsflash Blue and White crybabies: until a player declares his commitment with a SIGNATURE ON HIS LETTER OF INTENT, he is not committed to any school. Michigan fans are well aware of this fact of life, having lost Ronald Johnson, Jai Eugene, and Jeremy Finch all in the exact same manner. Where the two paths differ of course is that Michigan fans somehow managed to compose themselves and move on with it. Guess what, Rodriguez coming in with exactly one month to go in the recruiting process was going to definitely shake things up. Recruits who hadn’t previously been offered by Michigan or hadn’t previously considered Michigan now had new options to weigh, and in some cases, offers that hadn’t previously been there from a school and a program that DWARFS that of both Penn State and Purdue. Somehow, I’m not exactly stunned that the high school teammates all decided to go on to spend their college careers in Ann Arbor with a new offensive system that will feature their talents more than either of the other two programs in question could. But hey, let’s not let little things like facts, reason, and logic get in the way of a good sobfest shall we?

What kicks this whole situation up to the next level though is Joe Tiller’s involvement. Yes, that Joe Tiller. Even better still are Penn State fans quoting Joe Tiller as a source of proof of previously mentioned double super secret “unspoken agreement”. Uh-huh, Joe Tiller, paragon of virtue and class. Same Joe Tiller who found himself down 42-7 in Ann Arbor this year and was calling timeouts and onside kicks with under two minutes to go. Same chap who runs to the press to slam Michigan anonymously... right... classy guy, and a reliable source, who is being forced out after next season (I’m sure that didn’t play a role either). Anything Joe says was most assuredly written on stone tablets by God himself and brought down to the mustachioed one. Joe Tiller is crying because a receiver, who ALSO was a high-school teammate of the others mentioned here, decided to go to Michigan over Purdue. I see no need to elaborate further on that argument. Receiver. Michigan. Purdue. Yep, that about does it really.

500 demerits to Penn State fans, 50 demerits to Tiller, who saves himself beaucoup points by using “Wizard Hat” as a derogatory comment and from being a complete nonfactor in the recruiting game in the first place.