The Devil's Drawing Room

Scene: A room filled with lightening arching from the ceiling to two main conductors, between which stands, on a raised dais, the Devil's messanger himself. Behind him, in large glass tanks, are the floating souls of college football coaches who have struck a deal for success. Above each tank is a name. They read, in order: Pete Carroll, Jim Tressel, Nick Saban, Les Miles.

The bodily forms of these coaches now kneel in front of the dais. All are wearing black robes except for Les, who is still in chaps and a cowboy hat of the purest white. The Devil's Messenger speaks in a raspy voice that only comes from the eternally damned.

Devil's Messanger: My wards, I have called you here for the purpose of...Miles...why aren't you wearing the robes of wrath?

Les Miles: Whoioooiooo-eeeee! Thems some lighs you got up there boa!

DM: Well, erm, yes Les, the lightening keeps your souls in the state of...

LM [upon another great flash and crack of bolts]: Whooooooooeeeeeee! [claps excitedly]

DM: Erm, yes. Let's get down to business. Tressel!

Jim Tressel: Yes, master

DM: I have delivered to you Terrelle Pryor. What is your pennance? [Ignores LM as he tries to touch the lightening arching overhead]

JT: [flustered] Master, I have given you my soul, and am doomed to roam the earth as...

LM: Whooooeeeeeeee, boa, it's gonna take more than the devil for you to beat my tigers. Hellfire, I'm thinkin' of holdin' a press conference right here and now about...

DM: SILENCE, FOOL! Tressel, you will have the greatest of success in the regular season, but as payment, you will NEVER beat a team from the SEC. It is the will of the almighty evil himself!

JT: But sire, to simply reach the championship game is

Suddenly, Jim Tressel is lifted off his feet by an unseen hand, and is tossed against the wall. His body lands limply against the floor. He remains motionless.

DM: Saban! I have given you all the recruits in the land, and as such, you will be forced to cut those who do not fit into my unholy plan. You have pleased the master, and you will be rewarded.

Nick Saban: Yes master.

Two beautiful women materialize, take Saban's arms, and lead him to a room unknown.

DM: Carroll!

Pete Carroll: (under his breath) sweet. (louder) Yes Master!

DM: Is the device complete?

PC: I just need more batteries, Master.

DM: Good. Stay awesome.

PC: [Flashing "west side"] Peace dude.

Pete Dissolves, to return to his device, and the Master's bidding on earth.

DM: [rolls eyes] Les!

LM: Whooooeeeee!

DM: Les, what have you...what are you doing now? Why aren't you in your robes?

Les Miles, clueless to his location, has began to dance to music only he hears with one of Nick Saban's "reward" women. It is unclear how the woman has found her way to Les, who is also naked, save for his cowboy hat.

LM: [keeps dancing]

DM: LES!

LM: Whooee, this is a damn strong woman here, DM, DAMN STRONG. Now what was it you needed me to do?

DM: [Sighs defeatedly] Nothing, Les, nothing. Just...just kick Tressel one more time on your way out.

LM: Whooooeeeee I'll kick 'em good for ya. [kicks Jim in the head, and dissolves into nothingness]

Jim awakens later in Mexico, not remembering anything but a strong kick to the head from the bedazzled boot of Les Miles.