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When announcing goes bad: The Vern Lundquinst School of Proper Sports Broadcasting Etiquette and Technique.

Baseball is a thinking man's game, which is to say that it's boring as hell, and you've got to have a fair amount of cranial fortitude to stand up to the 2 minutes of non-action that fills the time between pitches that take 1.2 seconds to reach home plate. Since nobody has ever directly accused me of what (I think) we're all suspicious of - maybe a few donuts short of a dozen - I've gone right ahead and enjoyed baseball despite the fact that it is decidedly "not-football."

As baseball is such a thinking man's game (see above definition), it becomes ever more important for broadcasters to be on top of the action during that 1.2 second window. Witness last night's game between the Yankees and the Red Sox. Baseball fans get all orgasmic over this game in one of two very distinct ways - and it all depends on where they live geographically. If you are from the Northeast, have a cousin who lives in Boston, or want to be gangsta, then you have a rooting interest in this game. You will speak orgasmically about the history, the tradition, and this years matchup about which you actually know very little. Conversely, if you live in the Midwest, or (god help us) the West Coast, you're so tired of MSM force feeding you this rivalry that you will speak orgasmically about how good the Indians/Tigers/Cubs/Padres are, and how they are ignored by ESPN and others of that ilk.

Back on topic (like there ever was one to begin with), broadcasting baseball has its own challenges - mainly filling up that 2 minutes between the action - and as such allows for a certain dance. ESPN's team of Joe Morgan and Jon Miller have been broadcasting baseball together for 18 years, and one would think they would have gotten pretty good at the dance. One could theoretically start waxing poetic about a young minor leaguer for a full 15 minutes while the other pops in for exactly 1.2 seconds to say "ball 2 outside." Not so. Not with Joe Morgan in the booth.


Joe Morgan scares kittens. And baseball fans. But mostly kittens.

Last night, after the brilliant insight of (verbatim) "Manny is so good because he keeps balanced, keeps his feet under him to stay balanced, and keeps balanced" Joe started talking steroids, and it's clear that he's getting really worked up. After about 5 minutes of disjointed babble, it's also becoming clear that something important is happening down on the field. The Yankees catcher (Molina) - having just hit a double - is being removed for a pinch runner, and it looks like there's going to be a pinch hitter too. Now, in a game that is 90% waiting for 10% payoff - this is a pretty fucking important switch. This isn't just waiting around, the Yankees have just switched TWO positions, and since Posada wasn't catching at the time (he was DHing), it was clear that he'd have to go to catch, and there would have to be a new DH. I say "it was clear" only in hindsight because at the time I had no fucking clue what was happening on the field because Joe just kept barreling through his "let's reward the clean players" diatribe. It was unbelievable, and took a full 30 seconds (which is a long time to be clueless in a sporting event) for Jon to jump in and fill us in on the action.

So, for a special non-football version of the VLSPSBET, I'm going to just say this: In a game that is only 10% action, if you're a broadcaster, it is very important to actually call the action.

That is all.