Going Green for Memorial Day

A quick note: This post has nothing to do with college football, and nothing to do with common sense. Please disregard. If you must read, do so at your own risk; there is no lifeguard on duty.

B2

This is not meant to be a political stand - it is merely a running dialog centered around what seems to be the central issue for those who call themselves "green."

I've watched Al Gore's movie, and I've seen the scientific data backing up the notion that this planet is warming, and soon coastal cities across the United States, and only the U.S. (those other countries don't matter as much), will be underwater. This will force all the flee inland and become Big Ten fans. This is apparently inevitable, and I, for one, have reconciled it and welcome the new fans. Ironically, this seems to be Delany's master plan of gaining fans after his destruction of all things playoffs, including the words "play" and "off." I can see him laughing in his fortress as he delightedly sprays CFC's into his diabolical rose-shaped CFC dispersing machine. I digress.

The central piece of artillery that the green folks have in their arsenal is the fate of the Polar Bear. Why? Polar Bears are cute, damnit, never mind the fact that they will literally rip your face off. And due to ice caps that are turning into city-flooding water, their habitat is being slowly destroyed, and it's YOUR FAULT! In fact, Polar Bears are having to swim for miles and miles just to get to land, and having reached land are hunted by Inuits who are mistaking their appearance for a population explosion. That's a shitty description of what's happening, but read the damn article. Mother bears are being separated from their cubs, and food is becoming scarce. If you care nothing for the fate of humanity, you must care for the Polar Bear!

So I lay in my bed at night, thinking about the Polar Bears, and how genuinely saddening it is that their habitat is being destroyed because I drive more than 30 miles to get to work each day. If only I'd done something different! If only we'd all done something different. Too little, too late. Then I stumble across this picture:

Should be swimming

Aw, fuck - this is what Polar Bears are doing? Shouldn't he be swimming? I mean, really, add in a remote control, a bag of Cheetos, and some orange paws and bam: you've got my posture on any given Saturday morning in the fall (because I eat Cheetos for breakfast...). I mean really - this Polar Bear doesn't even seem too concerned that Corso's talking out of his ass again, and Fowler is nodding along encouragingly while thinking of creative ways to off himself. Ironically, this sort of dazed half-consciousness is the only way to watch College Gameday without suffering serious side effects.

and SHOULDN'T THAT POLAR BEAR BE SWIMMING?

If I'm going to feel shitty about the direction of the planet, I would rather not see the very animal that I feel shitty about lounging like life's a fucking spa. Are those other bears about to get mani's and pedi's too? Is the arctic circle just one huge fucking episode of Sex and the City? And which bear would be Carrie anyways?

Fuck that bear. I'm at work, and he's watching TV.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to go light a tire fire.


Have a good weekend everybody. Drink a lot, watch the race, and for God sakes, don't turn on your computer Monday. I expect you to be outside, as I will be.