Alex Trebek Answers the Big Ten Roundtable

Gopher Nation - guest of blog; friend of blog; all around good guy - has decided that it's about time the Big Ten Bloggers got together to discuss some very important issues regarding the rivalries that exist within our glorious conference. Of course, neither Champ nor I are intelligent enough to run through the mental gauntlet set up by our Gopher-clad friend. As such, we've gotten another friend of the blog to weigh in. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Alex Trebek.



Thanks for agreeing to answer these questions in a completely fictitious setting, Alex.




What is, no problem at all, I'm glad I could fictitiously be here?




Um...Alex, why are you taking your shirt off?





What is, you should see what I'm wearing under the table...or not wearing?



That'll be fine, Alex, why don't you just sit back down, and um, not do that again. Also, you don't have to answer in question form.




Who was Josef Stalin?



What are you talking about? Should we just get started?




Incorrect, the correct answer was Communist Bastard.



Right. Let's get started.




And the categories are...


ESPN's Adam Rittenberg recently ranked the top 5 rivalries in the Big Ten and there were some controversial results (Illinois v Ohio State as #3?). Clearly Ohio State vs. Michigan is the #1 rivalry in the Big Ten, but give me your next three. Your school does not have to be included in this list, but regardless of who you choose defend your picks.


Ohio State vs. Michigan? Number one? Laughable. The top three rivalries are, in specific order, Roosevelt vs. Hitler, Sodium Hypochlorite vs. Hydrochloric Acid, and finally, Grammatical accuracy vs. Grammatical style.



We were talking about the Big Ten.


Incorrect. First, Roosevelt vs. Hitler is a well known rivalry dating back to 1945, when Hitler installed a countdown clock in the fuhrerbunker outside of Berlin. It was in response to Roosevelt calling Germany America's "little brother."

Second, we have Sodium Hypochlorite, better known as bleach, vs. Hydrochloric Acid. When mixed together, the two react to create Chlorine Gas - lethal even in small doses. You can't even put these two in a bowl game without them literally killing everyone in attendance.



Mr. Trebek, could we please get back to the Big Ten...


Thirdly, the everlasting argument and bane of every writing student ever. This one goes far beyond split infinitives to include all grammatical rules. Can you end a sentence with a preposition? Can you split an infinitive if the situation calls for it? This one rages on - bitter to the very end.



None of these answers are going to be about football, are they?




What is, no?


Why do you answer these "side" questions in "Jeopardy" format, but not the main questions?




What is, it's much easier to write?

Correct. Next question: Obviously winning every game is important and beating really good teams sends a stronger message than beating Minnesota. Assume every team is .500 this year and the outcome of your next two games means nothing outside of pride and a year's worth of bragging rights. Give me the two schools you would want to beat (in order) and why. What makes beating School's A and B significant?


What a complicated question...you know who I really wanted to beat? That smarmy asshole Ken Jennings. You should have seen him backstage, taking all the groupie-poon from yours truly.



Wait a second, there are Jeopardy groupies?



Why do you think I'm not wearing pants? And now that Ken's finally gone, I'm back in the game.


Right. The next question was going to be "take the two teams from above that you claim are your biggest rivals and give me a new mascot for them." But clearly...




...Achurum carinatum



What?




Longheaded Tooth-Pick Grasshopper.

Ummm...right. Next question: There are some new rules in college football this year. My favorite is the Big Ten experimental rule which states that after every win this year you get to pluck one player off their roster and bring them back to your campus. Looking at your schedule give me two players you would pluck (assuming a win), why you would take them and what would you do with them?



Given that this is a non team specific blog, I suppose the correct answer would be to just pick the two best players in the Big Ten this year. I would take Beanie Wells and James Laurinaitis, both from Ohio State. I think Beanie is the most physical running back in the league this year, and the offensive line behind which he runs will provide excellent gaps. On the defensive side of the ball, Laurinaitis provides the exact kind of leadership I want out of my Mike Linebacker position. I fully expect him to learn to shed blocks a little better this year, and as such, he should be a terror in the middle.


Wow...that was remarkably well thought out. I'm glad we got at least one coherent answer.




Answer...Daily Double.



Thanks for dropping by today, Alex, it was...interesting.




Incorrect, the correct answer was Cork, Ireland.



Right...




Where are my pants?