BTB Roundtable Questions: BS, man, complete BS

Our friends over at Boiled Sports are hosting this week, after being displaced by that unholy bastard Ike over the past few weeks. They're all ok though, which is really a double edged sword, because being ok means still subjecting us to their posting (I keed, I keed). They are, at any rate, Indiana native and baseball fans, so I suppose that's good enough for me.

On to the questions!

1) We're all car guys here at BS. So your task is to assign your own program a vehicle. Is Purdue an all-terrain vehicle like a Jeep or a Hummer? Something befitting a brawny Boilermaker? Is Ohio State a slow, conversion van being passed by Corvettes with USC markings? Is IU a John Deere tractor with a hillbilly riding on it? Get creative and let us know both what your school is if it’s a car as well as assigning a vehicle to as many of the other Big Ten schools as you like. (I’d require you to do them all but I know attention spans are short and counting to 11 is hard.)

So far in this blog's short history, we've avoided falling into the trap of "Big Ten teams as..." posts. Big Ten teams as Simpson's Characters! Big Ten teams as TV Networks! Big Ten teams as Porn Stars!: They're all tiresome and tedious. Except maybe that last one, but this is an upstanding family site you disgusting fuckwad. We'll play along here though, and for extra credit we'll do all eleven Big Ten teams as "modes of transportation."

Illinois: The Dodo. If you've played GTAIII (yes, the one for PS2) you know exactly what I'm talking about. You're playing this game, right, and it's unlike any other game you've played. It's sweet - you can kill old ladies, drive any vehicle on the map, and wreak havoc in a realistic feeling city. Then, when you think things can't get any better, you stumble upon this, mockingly called "The Dodo"

The Biggest Cock-Tease in Video Game History

Oh sure, you can get it, and you can drive it. But just try to get off the ground for any discernible distance. Go ahead. We dare you. Fucking hell, RockStar, would it have been that difficult to let you fly the damn thing? Just like Illinois, the thing looks sweet, and runs fine on the ground, but as soon as you try to do anything through the air it locks up and ends in a heaping fireball of twisted fury and a PS2 controller slammed viciously against the floor.

Indiana: Man, I just don't know what to say here. The cliche would be to go with the tractor, both because Indiana loves them some farmin' and the overall velocity of a tractor matches that of the Indiana program. I can't go cliche, so I'll go with the first thing that google images pops up when I type in "Indiana University and Car." Indiana, this is your vehicle:

That doesn't look like Indiana at all!

Odd, since that appears to be the Golden Gate bridge in the background, but also kinda fitting. I mean, that's a classic car that is probably fun to drive. You're not going to get anywhere fast, and I probably wouldn't take it out of the garage on a rainy day, but hey, on a perfect day going downhill, it can probably get you safely to a bowl game.

Iowa: The first thing that popped into my head when I though "Iowa" was this, offered without caption or comment:

Michigan: I think this is going to be a popular response, given the nature of the program right now, but what the hell. Michigan, this is yo' ride:
You just know that thing's got a kickin' V8 in there capabable of putting out a gazillion horsepower. But right now, it's just a rusty lump stuck in park. Wait until Rodriguez goes all Xhibit up on that peice.

Michigan State: I own a Saab, which is among the most frustrating things I've ever done. Oh sure, it looks nice, and wow that turbo is pretty cool too. But, uh, it worked right for about the first 5,000 miles. Since then? Nothing but breakdowns and screwups. Michigan State: You aren't just any Saab, you're my Saab, currently with the Check Engine light aglow and readings that say "multi-cylinder misfire." You're still in your first 5,000 miles; I'm waiting for the inevitible breakdown.

Minnesota: The mall escalator. They're the up side so far, but sooner or later, you've gotta get off that puppy and head back down. I mean, they only go two directions.

Northwestern: Growing up in Indiana, I thought the Corvette was the end-all-be-all of sports cars, and I still love them. After moving out to Boston, and to a lesser extent traveling to Los Angeles, London, and Las Vegas somewhat frequently, I've realized that Corvettes are actually kind of "blah" in the Sports Car realm. You want to show some money? You'd better get that Ferrari or Maserati. I'm pretty good friends with a few NBA players as well - and they wouldn't be caught dead in a Corvette, preferring the white-on-white Bentley, or whatever vehicle was most recently refrenced in the current hip-hop track (I'm not even joking about this). What I'm trying to say is that Corvettes are for older folks who can't afford a 6 figure sports car, grew up in the midwest, and vote staunchly Republican. But here's the thing: A Corvette will blow the doors off of any stock car that you see driving around, including those 6 figure Bentley coupes. To the programs who consider themselves in that "6 figure" range, I would issue a very stern "be careful" when you see that awkwardly purple Corvette pull alongside you at the red light. You might just get torched.
Why Purple? No really, Why?

Ohio State: Still the class of the Big Ten, but I'll let a classic post from the now defunct "mzone" take it from here:

"So, what's it like to travel in style as a Buckeye fan? Check out the pic below that MZone reader Tom sent our way of a Buckeye named "Brad" cruising the streets of Ohio in his sweet-ass ride...
Folks, it's not just the $4 dollar window flag on Brad's bitchin' Cavalier proudly proclaiming his Buckeye pride that lets the ladies know they're hanging with a smooth operator. No, sirree. It's the personalized license plate and the bumper stickers that tell the story of the man behind the wheel of this Buckeye babe machine.

Being a safety guy, the bumper sticker on the left promotes seat belt use and reads, "Please stick it in...it's the law." Get it? "Stick it in." Oh, Brad. Brad, Brad, Brad. You sly master of the double entendre, you.

The bumper sticker on the right says, "Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes." Brad-meister. Goddamn, you funny, funny, motherfucker. Shit, my side hurts. Actually both sides - one for each bumper sticker.

And how does the owner of a kick-ass Cav like this one top the double whammy of bumper sticker brilliance: Bam! - personalized license plate. First, he gets the one with the Ohio State logo, you know, to match the window flag. Check. Then, after standing for hours at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles thinking, mulling, trying to come up with the perfect topper to his pussy wagon, Brad strikes gold: BRAD69.

Naturally, Brad can barely contain himself upon hearing it's not already taken. Surely some other Brad - every other Brad - had to have scooped this up years ago. But, alas, no, Brad, you are the one. The chosen one.

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH! Go Bucks? Not today.

Go Brad!"

Thanks, Mzone.

Penn State: Last week, I wrote that the tag line for Penn State this year should be "I can't believe this offense is working either." What vehicle perfectly matches that? How about this:

Every time this thing starts, I'm amazed, but man oh man, once it's goin' it can sure mow down opponents, provided they're not over 6" tall and made of soft, fluffy grass. Either way, this thing's pretty useless once the grass stops growing, which should be around October 1st.

Purdue:
Awww, that's cute. Why don't you let me know when you get a real vehicle capable of actually going somewhere.

Wisconsin: Wisconsin is a pickup truck. Not built for speed, or stealth, or really anything other than utility. But it runs all the time, has some power, and will totally help you move provided you give them a 6 pack at the end of the day.

2) In Week 1 in the NFL, the New England Patriots learned how precious things can be when Tom Brady had his knee blown out by a former Boilermaker. Let's say your team wins out from here to the end and is in a BCS bowl game with a chance to do the school and conference proud – what ONE player on your squad would you most likely cry about having his knee blown out in the first quarter? That is, who is truly indispensable?

Going through every team so far has been tedious, so I'll name just a few players who I believe are truly indispensable for teams thus far:

Beanie Wells - OSU
C.J. Bacher - Northwestern
Javon Ringer - MSU
Kellen Lewis - Indiana
Juice Williams - Illinois

Really, that's all I can think of. This answer probably won't win any awards, but I need to get to work at some point today.

3) Purdue plays Notre Dame this week and, well, we detest Notre Dame like probably no other program. Let's say I have the power to force you (maybe you lost a bet to me) to wear another Big Ten school's colors to an away game for that team. That is, you're wearing OSU colors to a game being played at Michigan, or something like that. And I'm talking, dorky, head-to-toe… goofy-ass sweatshirts and flat-brimmed, ridiculous-looking hats. If you have to choose, which program would you be able to stomach wearing? (Remember, you're going to an away game, so people won't like you and accept you and you'll be taking this abuse for a school you're not even affiliated with.) And by the same token, what program could you absolutely not EVER stomach wearing, under any circumstances?

I actually wear IU gear during Basketball season (don't kill me, BS!), so I'm all for the Hoosiers. I would never wear Ohio State gear, but had an awkward experience involving Greg Oden during which I had to pretend to be an Ohio State fan. I vomited violently afterwards. I don't understand how Ohio State fans can stand that taste. Seriously, it's like cabbage and cigarette butts.

4) I like big butts and I can not lie. Share your embarrassing guilty pleasure music selection that you know other people might laugh at. Bonus points if you can send a YouTube video of an awful music video with it. Many/most of us grew up and/or went to college in the '80s and '90s so I know you've all got some Nelson After The Rain on the iPod.

I have an entire playlist dedicated to "monster-ballads" on my iPod. I don't even like Poison, but "Every Rose has its Thorn" gets me every time.