TOGTM Cures What Ails Ya: Michigan Edition

BIG TEN PROPAGANDA ALERT: Psssssssssssssssssssst... of all the major conferences, only the Big 10 and the Big 12 do not feature a team with a losing record, don't tell the MSM though [/slinks back into the darkness of an empty parking garage] .

Teams in the Big 10, some have looked great, some have looked less great, but all have an issue or two that need a remedy in order to forge ahead as we enter October. Today's patient? Turns out that Michigan is sitting out in the waiting room. Stunner I know. Quick aside, I don't know about you, but when I'm reading article or preview and the writer proceeds to use a contraction of the team's nickname that is NEVER used by anyone who actually follows the team I stop reading. Yes I'm talking about the use of "Wolves" in any association with the University of Michigan. I don't see anyone using "Nitts" for PSU, or "Sparts" for MSU, or "Hoos" for IU (although that has potential), anyway you get the idea. Back on topic!

With Michigan holding on to a comfortable lead at this point in the year for "Most Turnovers Ever In The History of Sport" as well as being the chief contender in the specialty category of "Most Turnovers Lost In Which the Opposing Team Has Not Touched the Ball Carrier Nor Been Within Five Yards of Him At Any Point" they are in desperate need of some tutoring in Football Security 101. Because I can't handle watching another kickoff return taken out to about the 17 yardline and then WHOOPSIE-DAISY! Sorry about that D, hope you're not too mad at us! Phew, sweet job forcing only a field goal, don't worry we won't let you do... WHOOOPS!

The fix? Easy. Each U of M player that has any chance of catching and/or carrying a football is assigned a "pet football" during the week. These "pet footballs" carry a cash value of 100 dollars for any student or university employee that can take the football and return it to the Michigan AD. Where does that 100 dollars come from? The player that the lost their pet.

Just you wait until a small female student majoring in Asian Studies lays out Kevin Grady and returns that first football.

Second opinion? Well I would have paid to hear what Rodriguez told his players at halftime would happen to the next guy that lost the football, but whatever it was, it managed to reduce the turnovers from 5 (almost 6) to zero. Perhaps it was the pet football idea? Perhaps it involved Mike Barwis, a kiddie pool of baby oil, a football, and a pair of jumper cables hooked up to a car battery... you know, whatever works. Let's put it this way, when Threet took off on his 58 yard ramble, you'll note that he protected that football towards the end as though his very life depended on it.

Seriously though, is there some sort of workout that Barwis can create so that instead of fumbling the football, the player can instead grip it so hard that it ruptures and deflates, making it impossible to lose grip on it?


Regardless, the Wolverines have managed to tally 14 lost turnovers in just four games, just a shade under four TO's a game. Nine of those turnovers have been fumbles... [/insert Mike Hart's career fumble tally of THREE here]. Two of those games have featured more than five turnovers, and since 1955, Michigan has won exactly 10 football games in which they've turned the football over at least 5 times (scroll to bottom).