For the Love of Distraction

You know how, sometimes, when you're a bit boozed, the NBA can be palatable? Especially when you're at the bar with some old buddies, and you've run out of stories, but not beer? Or how sometimes baseball captures your imagination, and you decide to damn the torpedoes and leave it on in the background? Even hockey - irrelevant since Bettman - can, for the briefest of periods, capture our attention. And football, well, there's always football.

My point is this: even if you don't love every major American sport, they are at least always there, ready to be turned on. It's comforting, in its own way, to have that and to know that there are men and women out in this world exerting huge amounts of energy and pushing the very limits that make us human. In watching this display, there are two equal parts of fascination. One part of me is thrilled that there is somebody out there who was born the same way I was, and can do things with his body that I cannot. The other part is me on my couch actively atrophying my own muscles saying "boy, I'm glad I'm not that guy right now" and stuffing another bit of fried chicken flesh into my mouth. There are better men, at least physically, than I who are at least doing something at that very moment. It's proof, to me, that the world outside my own dingy apartment exists and is turning even if I do nothing to contribute to it. It is why today is the most depressing day of the year.

Oh sure, it's the middle of July and the weather is nice. Ok, a bit humid, but it's the kind of humidity that allows you to work up a good sweat without really doing any work at all. Then you can walk around your house all steamy and sticky and pretend like you've done something worth the lather. The days are long, giving the impression that your 24 hour allotment is grander that it really is, and by God, you're going to go fishing this afternoon, except you never do. Instead, you wake up, go to work, get home and cook dinner. If you're lucky, you can catch a bit of the ballgame before you go to bed and lather, rinse, repeat. Except for today. Today there is no ballgame. There is no little reassurance that the world ok; no packed ballparks; no drunken fans; no diving catches. Today, the day after the All-Star Game, is the only day in America that a major sporting event is not held.

And we'll get through it. Hell, we probably won't even realize it except in passing; that fleeting moment this evening when a distraction from Everyday, America is needed. You see, that's what sports are: a distraction. That's not to say that they aren't meaningful as such - with Typhoons and Cyclones and Wars and McCain and Obama and how America is going to save the world even if it takes its destruction to do it. Add into the mix the fact that the dog needs walked, the baby needs changed, the lawn needs mowed, and you still haven't picked up that wedding present for that niece and it's no wonder sports are so important. But today, and only today, there is no distraction. There is no 5 minutes to sit and watch a game played by young men who never age.

So for those 5 minutes you get before your life beckons again - and you'll heed the call, just like you always do - we'll miss sports, because even if we don't watch them (or really like them) we know they are there. And you know what? Maybe tonight I'll finally go fishing.

The Cruzin Cooler Runs Afoul the Law

A Whitehall, NY man was arrested this past week for operating a motor vehical while intoxicated. This lead is not sensational, it's an absolute, and it altogether sucks until you add that the vehical he was driving was a cooler.



That's right: a cooler.

The Cruzin Cooler comes in 5 different models, ranging from 300 watt electric to a 33 cc 2 stroke gas engine with a top speed of 15 MPH.

I don't know which is worse - the fact that I didn't know these exist, or that a guy actually got a DWI while riding one. I mean, honestly, what's the worst that could happen? He flips at 15 MPH? He runs into somebody, badly bruising a knee? On the list of ridiculous charges, this ranks right up there.

Can't a man and his cooler just ride in peace?

Behold The Future! Illinois 2008

1. One thing the media will harp on that is ridiculously off base – Did you know Illinois has a quarterback named Juice Williams? Yes, indeed that’s his name… no one in the media apparently cares that this guy hits the broad side of the barn at about a 50% clip. Can he run? Yes, yes he can. Can he throw? Well he did manage to improve his completion percentage from 39% in ‘06 (wha wha whaaaaa?) up to 57% in ’07, but with only 22 TDs against 21 picks in his career… suffice it to say that by bottling him up, this team will bog down in the offensive department. Don’t expect this to be mentioned though, Illinois had a big turnaround last year, and they feature an athletic QB!!! They’ll show highlights of his unconscious game in Columbus (and what a performance it was!) and ignore the fact that this guy simply hasn’t been that good at throwing the football, nor will he have MANBEAST Mendenhall next to him in the backfield. In fact, they’ll likely base his season outlook off of that game and that game alone… oh… what? They HAVE?

2. One thing the media will completely ignore that is integral to this team's success – How about Ron Zook’s complete and utter ineptitude at managing a football game? Great recruiter? Sure! Solid sideline presence on Saturdays? Uhhhh… no. Too many examples to name; let’s just say that as long as he’s there they will bring in talent and he will make gameday decisions that leave Illini fans very confused. How soon do you think you’ll see the mismanagement of his top two quarterbacks by yanking Williams and throwing in Eddie McGee on a whim? 2^nd quarter of the Mizzou game? 3^rd?

Random-other-things-the-media-will-likely-ignore… ummm probably that 49-17 asswhippingundressingbehindthewoodshedstompingbeatdown that USC put on the Fighting Politically Corrects back in January… or perhaps that after Mizzou, Illinois plays the Chicago Symphany, Peoria Girl Scout Troop #254 (away), and the Illinois State IM flag football champs for the rest of their out of conference schedule. I don’t know, pick one.

3. Most important contributors on each side of the ball – Whichever running back not named Rashard Mendenhall steps in will be a big question, but I’m going to say that Arrelious Benn will be one of the most important players in this offense. If he can bail Williams out and be any kind of a reliable target, the way you defend Illinois completely changes, the kid is a star waiting to burst out, they just have to get him the football. On defense, I’ll go with Brit Miller, who despite his name is a linebacker… a four year starter at that!

4. Area that scares you as an opponent – The fact that Juice Williams could black out for 60 minutes and play a game like he did in Columbus last year… they really held that ball for over 8 minutes on the final drive? Really?! Shudder…

5. Area that makes you salivate as an opponent – No Rashard Mendenhall and near as anyone else can tell, a quarterback who isn’t going to be picking you apart any time soon… Defenses game-planning against Illinois will put 23 people in the box… at least that’s what USC appeared to do.

6. Random factor that you think will come into play this season – Two things here: Illinois starts Big 10 play @ Penn State and @ Michigan. Regardless of the current situations at both schools, that’s a tough start to the conference slate, and tripping out of the box may impact this team more than a more experienced squad. Secondly, there’s the chance that Arrelious Benn turns into a wide receiver that should be playing for Michigan or Ohio State and enables Juice Williams to throw Kurt-Kittner-8^th-grade-lob-balls and complete them due to Benn’s complete and total level of awesomeness… if this happens, count me as someone who will be highly annoyed.

7. Overall Record – Mendenhall was a beast last year and Illinois caught quite a few people by surprise… including apparently Ohio State. This team was capable of playing quite well, but they lacked consistency, and now they lack their MANBEAST tailback… I think a slight regression towards the mean is on the horizon for the Politically Corrects… call it 8-4 with all four losses coming in-conference… the Mizzou game is a tossup and I’ll lean the Illini way for them on this one, Big 10 solidarity and all.

8. Final Big Ten Standing – Not too hot, not too cold, jusssssssst right, so I say 5^th.

9. Bowl Game Destination – Wooo boy, where does the 5^th place Big 10 team go? Motor City Bowl? I don’t know… We’ll call it a “Late December Capital One Bowl Week Special” and leave it at that.

Whaddya say Beauford?

Pack It In Boys, It's Over!

Beauford's up with the sun and gone with wind. Doing his thing as a travelin' man, headed for those Hollywood nights in those Hollywood hills... maybe not, but it sounds good and if it's good enough for Bob Seger, it's damn sure good enough for us.

Now then, let's get right to it! Champ ain’t much for bragging, after all I hate rude behavior in a man, won’t tolerate it. But methinks we might have found ourselves a bit of an exception here…

With something just north of seven rotations of the second hand around the clock face left in the first half of the Kansas and North Carolina semi-final, the rock chalk jayhawks emphatically pushed their advantage over the Tar heels to a… ahem… “healthy” 28 points, thus prompting Billy Packer to sigh/cry/mumble the following: “this game is over Jim”.

Again, that’s a bit more than 7 to go in the first half, and the analyst has just chimed in with: “this game is over”. I’m sure the CBS van was thrilled.

Now then, never mind that this game still had over 27 minutes remaining in it, and never mind that at times this season North Carolina had gone on 94-3 runs in a span of a little under 5 minutes or that teams have pulled of similar comebacks before (Duke / Maryland and Kentucky / LSU come springing to this writer’s mind)… no sir, that was all ACC spokesman and resident North Carolina cheerleader Packer could take. His team (and let’s not pull punches here, Packer loves him some Tar Heels, and why not, I am no geographer, but Wake Forest isn’t too far on down the line from UNC) was being beaten so badly, that if it hadn’t been for a combination of made free-throws by UNC and Bill Self’s charges inexplicably ceasing to feed the ball down low, I have no doubt that the halftime score would’ve read something in the region of 852-12.

In fact, if the camera had been on the trenchant sob, I’m sure there would’ve been a fling of the hands in the air and a slow movement of forehead toward table. I would pay for that footage with the finest of meats and cheeses in the land, good people. The only truly sad part about this whole exchange was that Jim Nantz didn’t have the wherewithal and the cajoles to rip Packer to shreds… particularly when North Carolina did its best category five tornado impression on the entire state of Kansas and its followers in the early goings of the second half… but hey, that’s CBS and booth chemistry!!! Gotta love it!

Now for the braggadocio, although taking any credit for this is like saying I was right about predicting the sun rising today… that notwithstanding, on with the back-patting! Friday:

“Next? Billy Packer will ruin the TV watching experience of these games for an entire nation of curious observers and die-hard fans alike. There is no bigger wet-blanket in sports than Packer, who hates what basketball has become, hates today’s player, and loathes anyone who doesn’t understand the intricacies of a “box and 1”… oh and did I mention that he is quite possibly the biggest ACC shill of all time? Everyone jumps on Vitale’s case (rightly so), but Packer is even worse. Packer makes me hate basketball, he is as uninspiring and boring of an analyst as I can imagine, and he literally can slow the game down because he brings negative energy to the table.” Packer came through in every regard didn’t he??

You know what the worst part of all of this is? The not so inane fact that Billy is a GOOD analyst at times, he makes good points regarding the actual game of basketball, but his demeanor and the way he lets it affect the way he calls things, ESPECIALLY with an ACC team on the court in front of him, well he just ruins it. If you happened to watch the rest of that basketball game on Saturday, you’ll know that the rest of the evening was spent by Packer talking about UNC 90% of the time, and Kansas for approximately 10%... followed again by him somehow taking credit for knowing that Kansas would win in the end… It was, suffice to say, ghastly. I certainly hope that all the Jayhawk fans were able to get their own radio guys on in some fashion and mute the TV.

And with that, enough basketball pour moi, if you listen closely you can hear the sweet dulcet tones of whistles ringing out over the crack of pads across the country... spring time is here, rejoice!

Basketball Tiding Us Over

Ed. Note:

This comes from Champ, who sets his countdown to kickoff clock around the time Tiger tee's it up at Augusta. He then submits himself two entire season's worth of the weirdest Chinese water torture ritual we've ever seen involving water, his countdown clock, and a small break to watch the Indianapolis 500. By kickoff, he's literally (not figuratively here, mind you, which is what "literally" has become in today's society) but LITERALLY window licking mad.

Without further ado,


Champ's clock. Except it's for football. Not 24. We've never really liked 24...



So here it is, the final weekend of the collegiate basketball season! We here at the Champ household like to take this time to sit back and take stock, because critical thinking and personal reflection are nothing if not integral fibers of our being, and because frankly, we haven’t had much to be excited about in the basketball section of our lives for a good long time. Not being the biggest of basketball fans, this weekend signals the true countdown to kickoff, which features several very important pit-stops along the way to Sep… err… late August. These would include, but of course are not limited to:

- The Masters tooounament (otherwise known as Heaven)
- Oh sure there’s a “spring game” that some schools might have, but the next time anyone takes away something valuable from a spring game it’ll be the first time… not that anyone would want to see how things are going… new players… possibly a new quarterback… maybe some new linemen… new starting running back… few new receivers…. errr a new coach… oh and a new staff… all of which is wrapped up in a big ol’ Barwis headlock… nah, I’ll be fine to wait till it counts in late August… nothing of interest to see there, nothing at all… hmph.
- The Greatest Spectacle in Racing, the Indianapolis 500, it is an event that all should attend at least once, and it will blow you away.
- U.S. Open, etc, etc… well not really, you see after the U.S. Open, it’s all downhill, you can literally count the days with a mere two digits, you are in the middle of the stretch run of what was once known as the “national pastime” and you can start to smell that Saturday morning air wafting your way from over the horizon.

So, yeah, that’s it, football season’s practically here! Yay! Or not, but at least that little synopsis makes it seem that way doesn’t it? So in lieu of the fact that there simply isn’t much discuss on the college football front right now, Champ thought he’d do everyone the favor of extolling his wisdom on a random gamut of issues regarding the hardcourt, in rapid succession… brace for it, here it comes:

First, let’s focus on the upcoming weekend: Tyler Hansborough will be referred to using all manner of glittery adjectives to basically say that he’s a good basketball player who works hard… and OMG HE’S WHITE, MORE PRAISE, LAUD IT ON, WE HAVEN’T SEEN THIS SINCE LARRY BIRD!!!! I can’t make fun of this too much because hopefully you will be witnessing a repeat of this phenomenon with one Samuel McGuffie (/goosebumps…) Suffice to say that I think Hansborough is a great player, but the coverage of him is ridiculously over-the-top, and if you don’t think it has anything to do with his pigmentation, then I don’t know what to tell you.

Next? Billy Packer will ruin the TV watching experience of these games for an entire nation of curious observers and die-hard fans alike. There is no bigger wet-blanket in sports than Packer, who hates what basketball has become, hates today’s player, and loathes anyone who doesn’t understand the intricacies of a “box and 1”… oh and did I mention that he is quite possibly the biggest ACC shill of all time? Everyone jumps on Vitale’s case (rightly so), but Packer is even worse. Packer makes me hate basketball, he is as uninspiring and boring of an analyst as I can imagine, and he literally can slow the game down because he brings negative energy to the table. There is no reason on God’s green earth that Gus Johnson shouldn’t be involved in these games, he’s too good, his talent can’t be ignored… Why is it that the networks keep trotting out these dinosaurs of announcers (Packer and Vitale are chief offenders) who contribute nothing to the viewing experience? Johnson is SUBLIME, and yet we hardly ever get to see the man practice his craft. Sickening.

Third, Eric Gordon and all manner of kids who are simply too young, too green, and not complete enough will sign on the dotted line for an absolutely sickening amount of cash. Do they deserve blame? No. The first person here who claims that they’d turn down certain millions for the love of the school is nothing but one fat bastard sonofabitch of a liar and should be told so. What needs to happen here is what the NFL did (gasp, Champ citing the NFL for the cause of good??? Que?!?) No really, it does, and it benefits EVERYONE involved. The NBA needs to make a “3 years out of highschool” rule just like their much bigger, much stronger, and much more fervently followed brother does over on the gridiron. Why is that Champ? Well because it benefits the kids that the NBA uses to make its money, for one! How? By allowing them to actually develop and have a better base to build from once they jump to the league, it stands to reason that more might actually receive an education out of the deal (GASP!), and in so far as the NBA is concerned, the quality of play will vastly improve. Oh sure, there’s the occasional Garnett, Kobe, or Lebron… but there are a hell of a lot more Bracey Wrights.

Perhaps some people are out there West of the Mississippi enjoying a lot of solid basketball being played… ever wonder why that is? It’s because these teams have young talent, but not the kind of young talent that jumped directly from highschool or one year in college, no it’s the young talent that was battle tested in the college ranks, honed its skills and is now playing well in the NBA. Derron Williams, Chris Paul, etc? It’s not rocket science folks. This isn’t a slam on Gordon either, the kid is clearly talented, but if the last 3 months haven’t proven conclusively that he isn’t ready for an increase in pressure and stress to his life, I don’t know what will. The solution is simple, and everyone benefits from it, especially the players.

Random Notes:
Hey Chris Henry, you worthless scum-sucking stain on the pants of society, you are a failure and the carcass of your career will hopefully give future players who are like you some pause before they even so much as step outside of their house, good riddance. 5th arrest, that’s MOTHER FUCKING FIVE everyone, as in, five times more than one… as in that’s five times your dumbass managed to throw away an opportunity to make more money than 99.9% of the people that walk this Earth. I feel absolutely zero pity for your complete and utter waste of talent, and the first team that so much as throws this guy’s name around as a possibility to pick up should be smacked. C-YA! Congrats to the Bengals, just goes to show that you certainly don’t stray far from the straight and narrow on that team before there are consequences!!!! The only sad part of this story is that somehow, someway, you know this guy won’t get banned from the league, and somewhere, someone will sign him for an obscene amount of money and take a chance on him.

Ok, rant off… As for this weekend: Rock Chalk sonsabitches! Jayhawks over Bruins, and then the countdown begins! Enjoy!