Roundtable Time

This week's roundtables are kindly hosted by Nittany White Out, a Penn State blog of questionable morals and talent. In other words, my kind of blog.

On to the questions!

We're approaching week 9 now, are you pleasantly surprised or already waiting for basketball season?

I am, actually, pleasantly surprised by the amount of fight that the Big Ten has shown. After another ho-hum slate of OOC games, the Big Ten has represented well. Penn State and Ohio State are both obviously in the top ten, Michigan State (despite whipping) is still a formidable team, and Minnesota and Northwestern have been pleasant surprises for all. Really, Michigan is a huge disappointment in terms of a "hur-hur B10 rules!" kind of argument, but that's about it. Top to bottom, the Big Ten is a competitive league with some teams that, given the right circumstances, could sneak into the title game (I'm looking at you, Ohio State).

Describe one specific play from this season you would alter for a different outcome if you had the chance to.

It's hard to determine one specific play that has determined a whole lot. to single one play out is to downplay the significance of the other plays that got to that situation. I suppose, if I were to single out one play, I'd like to take back a personal foul on the punt return during the latest Michigan v. Penn State game. It probably wouldn't have mattered given what happened in the 2nd half, but that late 2nd half TD for PSU hurt in a variety of ways. I guess I'd have liked to have made them work a little harder for it.

That said, it doesn't necessarily change the outcome of the game - as soon as the threat of Threet keeping the ball disappeared, so did the offense - but rather it would have made me happy going into halftime instead of nervous. Happy B2 is much more fun that nervous B2.

How could it (#2) possibly impact the way your season is going?

It could have improved the short-term relationship between myself and my girlfriend. And her family. And the dogs.

Big Ten player you just can't stand, why?

Without delving too far into the vitriol for which this medium is known, I am very scared of Terrelle Pryor.

Boo'ing your own team (we've seen quite a lot of this across the Big Ten this season), your feelings on this.

This question seems an awful lot like a veiled shot at Michigan, but whatevs. I don't boo, and I will tell people in my immediate vicinity to stop booing, but for me that's where it ends. I'm not going to crusade against it or anything, because there will be dumbasses everywhere, and an angry dumbass is in no way ready to be converted to the patient-type. I'm more of a "thousand yard stare" type of loser anyways, and too inconsolable to really get worked up enough to "stop" the booing.

Number of beers or alcoholic drinks consumed by week 8 (or a good estimate)

Drinking leads to all sorts of socially deviant behavior, and is a sign of poor breeding. For shame, NWO, for shame.

Most annoying commercial seen this season

"They're heeeeeeeerrreeeeeeee"

"Frank TV, vurry funny"

Your prediction for the next coaching change in the Big Ten (Joe Tiller exempt)

Wisconsin will have a new coach before too long. Mark it.

Roundtables? Roundup.

Last week was, uh, not so good in the whole "posting new content" realm. Oh sure, we got around to some things, but when the number 1 tag of the week is "functionality" which is a fancy way of saying "post about how we don't have time to post" that ain't good.

I did host the Big Ten Blogger's roundtable, which was done "Jeopardy" style; I provided the answers, and the bloggers provided the questions. The participating blogs:

Off The Tracks
Enlightened Spartan
Happy Hour Valley
Maize and Blue Nation
Varsity Blue
The Nittany Line
Maize n' Brew
Boiled Sports
Lake the Posts
Ground Zero East Lansing
Black Heart Gold Pants
The Buckeye Battle Cry

Chances are you've read it already, but Black Heart Gold Pants used the format to launch into a celebrity Jeopardy parody of sorts involving JoePa. Read it, like, right now. No seriously, read it, then come back.

Now that you're back, lets take a look at some of the answers I provided, along with the correct questions:

Answer: Jay Paterno and the Spread HD

Most (read: all) went with a play on the fact that "spread" could applied to your legs, and that "HD" sounded a lot like "VD." The correct question, however, was "How the hell is this working so well" or "Surely Jay's just getting lucky here, right?"

Answer: Joe Tiller's Mustache

Full points to Maize n' Brew, who knew that whenever Joe Tiller's name is invoked, the correct answer is always:


Answer: The Color Purple

The correct question, of course, was "What is the classic novel by Alice Walker chronicling the life of Celie, a poor black woman in the rural South." Christ, do none of you read?

We also accepted "The color of Pat Fitzgerald's penis"

Answer: Brains

Full points all around here, as most took this softball and lobbed it out of the park. The correct answer was "What's for dinner?"

Answer: Hawkeye State

Hawkeye State is not Iowa, nor is it the "state" of fans of Iowa. I thought this was clear, and apparently it wasn't. I meant Iowa Blogger "Hawkeye State" of BHGP. We would have accepted anything involving an Elephant Walk.

Answer: Rudy

We accepted both Varsity Blue's succinct response of "Shitty Midget" as well as Happy Hour Valley's more lengthy response of "Who is a giant douche that managed to be the subject of an “inspiring film” about his lame-ass story of walking on to America’s most hated college football team and going from towel boy to getting a sack in his final home game despite being offsides?"

Answer: Knee Ligaments

The correct response was, of course, "aaaaaaaaaairgggggg" or any variation thereof.

Answer: Terrelle Pryor

Varsity Blue, again: "Why am: I fucking terrified of Ohio State?"

We also would have accepted any variation of "dumbo" "radar ears" or "holy hell this kid is going to destroy everything in his path for the next 3 years god-damnit why the hell does Ohio State get these kids, Columbus isn't even that cool, fuuuuuuck."

Answer: Mark May

Ground Zero East Lansing sums it up thusly: "Who is the biggest benefactor of the "Ugly Friend" effect? You know the theory - all sets of girls have one ugly friend that makes the others look better by comparison. Who is Mark May's ugly friend? You guessed it...Lou Holtz"

Answer: Rich Rodriguez

Boiled Sports: Who fooled Michigan?

Well played, for this season.

And that wraps up the wrap up. Sorry for the delay, and enjoy your Monday!

Functionality Update

Please press play before reading this post:



First, I am hosting the Roundtables this week, as you may have seen from your various stops along the information super highway. Recently, I've thought the roundtable questions had gotten a bit repetitive and so-forth, so I decided to switch things up and make them Jeopardy style - with me providing the answers, and the various BTB'ers supplying the questions. Results have been mixed so far - full report on Friday. The "answers" are:

1) Jay Paterno and the Spread HD

2) Joe Tiller's Mustache

3) The Color Purple

4) Brains

5) Hawkeye State

6) Rudy

7) Knee Ligaments

8) Terrell Pryor

9) Mark May

10) Rich Rodriguez

Feel free to leave your best "question" pertaining to any of these answers in the comments section. I'll probably bump a few of them in the wrap-up post if they're any good.

Second, The Daily Gopher has been running a Big Ten games Pick'em that I've been participating in behind the scenes. I was in 2nd place until a disasterous Saturday. I'm now, like, in 12th or something. Either way, you can always check the standings at TDG if you're so inclined.

Third, I will be travelling tomorrow and Friday, and posting may be light, depending on Champ's schedule. I will have the Roundtable wrap up on Friday, but that's it in terms of regularly scheduled broadcasting. The good news is that I will be travelling to the Clemson vs. Wake Forest Thursday night game. Look for me on TV - I look awesome in High Def. A full tailgate/game experience report will be forthcoming.

Fourth, given the dearth of Wisconsin blogs, I was asked some questions about the upcoming Penn State vs. Wisconsin game by friend of the blog Zombie Nation. If you're craving some Beauford (and who isn't?) run over there for my take on the game.

BTB Roundtable Questions: We Didn't Write These Questions Edition

Onward and upward, my Big Ten friends! We forge ahead, never daunted, into the formerly uncharted waters of the Buckeye Psyche. That's right - this week's questions are courtesy of Our Honor Defend, a Buckeye blog that - get this - takes its name from the fight song! Clever girl. Then again, we take our name from...wait...where did we get this name? Champ? Is this really the only game that matters? I mean - there are plenty of games that matter more: the game of life, the game of love, the most dangerous game...maybe we need a fight song.

Either way, here we are, nomenclature be damned.

On to the questions!

01. We're all basically in conference play now, sans Purdue who played
visitor to Notre Dame over the weekend. What did you see in the
conference opener that you liked? What did you see that sucked
noodles? If you're one of the Purdue blogs, what did you see against
Notre Dame that has you nervous (or even optimistic) for your
conference opener against Penn State this Saturday? Oh, and, have fun
with that game, by the way.

There isn't a Wisconsin blogger of any reliability here in this group, so I'll take on Wisconsin:

What I liked: I liked the defensive line. They were blowing UM off the ball in the first half, and were the primary reason for the obvious disruption in the UM offense. Offensively, Everidge didn't have a bad day, it's just that his major mistake went for 6 the other way. He also had a ton of pressure in his face from UM's own defensive line. I liked how our defense forced turnovers - even if Michigan helped a ton.

What I didn't like: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. There. Now that's out of the way. Rationally, I didn't like the playcalling. Michigan was blitzing a ton and we didn't make them pay. I think (correct me if I'm wrong) the first screen play that we set up went for 40 yards or so. Too bad that was in the 4th quarter. Also, I didn't like the penalties. On two separate occasions, penalties (a roughing the passer and the ineligible receiver) allowed Michigan to maintain a drive, or stop us from scoring. If more restraint (or just plain common sense) is used on either play - UM has a much, much harder time winning that ball game. Finally, I saw warning signs from the secondary. On several occasions, UM had a guy deep with a step. Threet couldn't make us pay; others will.

Also - sucking noodles is fun, impolite, and delicious. Never shall the term "sucking noodles" be used to connote a bad thing again.

02. Ole Miss punked #4 Florida in Gainesville. #1 USC got punked by
Oregon State on national television? What's the underlying theme
behind these bizarre upsets? You guessed it: magic. Some kind of
hocus-y pocus-y sorcery in the form of "familiarity". The idea being
pitched around is that these upsets come in conference games because
the underdog has played the heavily favored team before, and thus
isn't afraid of them nor surprised by anything they do. Should I buy
this idea? Or are these upsets more likely the combination of
something more conventional, like great/horrendous gameplanning,
preparation and execution by the underdog/favorite team respectively?

That question, when properly sorted, simply asks "why do significantly outmatched teams beat really really talented teams?"

As always, I have a theory.

I think that a great deal of "winning" comes from the play of the linemen on both sides of the ball. If the offensive line is getting a good push, the offense works - it's that simple. The Quarterback could be primed to have the game of his life, if pass protection isn't there, he won't be successful. A Tailback could be ready to carry for 212 yards on 47 rushes - if the run blocking isn't there, he won't be successful. The offense stops and starts with the offensive line. A lot of times, I think these linemen get ready to face a team that they've deemed - despite their coache's instance to the contrary - weak, and expect a walk-through. Meanwhile, on the other side of the line, the previously named "weak" line is getting ready for the game of their life.

Look at USC: Sanchez was running for his life for the majority of the game. His offensive line came out expecting to dominate, found out that those defensive guys are D-1 players too, and they're really really trying, and couldn't switch it on in time to save the defeat. Same with USC's defensive line - which is why they allowed mini-back to run all over them.

The bottom line (get it?) is this: If the linemen come to a game expecting to push around the opposition at practice speed, that team is primed for an upset. It almost happened when Ohio State played Ohio, it did happen when USC played the other OSU, and it will happen again this season.

03. Entering the season, Beanie was the Big Ten's Heisman favorite.
After a few games, Javon Ringer had put up the Heisman stats, though I
don't think anyone could've believed that Ringer would have the hype
machine necessary to get him to New York. Yet, after this week, I see
his name mentioned more and more in the Heisman race. Do you think
Ringer, at this pace, gets to New York on something more than a
courtesy visit (on courtesy visit, see: everyone last year not named
Tim Tebow; everyone in 2006 not named Troy Smith)? How about Daryll
Clark? Is Daryll Clark of Penn State legitimately in the Heisman race
after week 5?

Ringer might get a nice trip to New York and a front-row seat to watch the Heisman get handed to SEC/B12 QB de jour. I've written before that the Heisman, almost exclusively, goes to the best quarterback on a conference championship contending team. It takes a very, very special runningback or wideout to win that award - and although I like Ringer - Reggie Bush he ain't.

04. With the nonconference schedule basically over, do you think the
Big Ten collectively bettered its standing from the maligned position
it was in before the season began? For every Wisconsin victory over
Fresno State and Penn State thrashing of Oregon State, there's
Michigan's turnover bonanza against the Irish and Ohio State's
neutering by USC. Long question short, what sticks out more: the
positives or the negatives for the conference?

No, no, and no. This non-conference season simply re-enforced the fact* that the Big Ten is a middle of the road BCS conference.

05. As I'm sure you may have seen on your moving pictures box, the
Ernie Davis movie has been getting a lot of publicity for its imminent
release to theatres. The story, of course, centers around the first
African-American Heisman winner and some of the trials that come from
being a black athlete, playing before the Civil Rights movement and
playing in the Cotton Bowl. Does your football program have an
uplifting story that you think is movie-worthy? If so, please share
it.

In 1998, a player named Josh discovered a rocket-arm, and made the team as a walk-on. As he was still only a walk-on, he had to earn his stripes, practicing throws in the back yard to his Golden Retriever, Buddy. Soon, however, he discovered that Buddy could make all the impossible catches, and was a better receiver than those on his team. The two combined to make an unstoppable force on the football field. However, an evil duo of Russian circus-managers attempt to kidnap Buddy and use him as their main attraction, while Josh's team makes it to the championship. Can Josh save Buddy before the big game?

Find out here!



Seriously though - Tom Harmon rocked pretty hard. Would love to see a movie about his life.


*The Big Ten is not the ACC, or the Big East - so we've got that going for us. However, from top to bottom, I think the Big Ten hold their own with the Pac-10, gets beat soundly by the b12, and gets crushed by the SEC. I've railed against this line of thinking for a long time, but this year especially, the Big Ten just isn't that strong.

BTB Roundtable Questions: BS, man, complete BS

Our friends over at Boiled Sports are hosting this week, after being displaced by that unholy bastard Ike over the past few weeks. They're all ok though, which is really a double edged sword, because being ok means still subjecting us to their posting (I keed, I keed). They are, at any rate, Indiana native and baseball fans, so I suppose that's good enough for me.

On to the questions!

1) We're all car guys here at BS. So your task is to assign your own program a vehicle. Is Purdue an all-terrain vehicle like a Jeep or a Hummer? Something befitting a brawny Boilermaker? Is Ohio State a slow, conversion van being passed by Corvettes with USC markings? Is IU a John Deere tractor with a hillbilly riding on it? Get creative and let us know both what your school is if it’s a car as well as assigning a vehicle to as many of the other Big Ten schools as you like. (I’d require you to do them all but I know attention spans are short and counting to 11 is hard.)

So far in this blog's short history, we've avoided falling into the trap of "Big Ten teams as..." posts. Big Ten teams as Simpson's Characters! Big Ten teams as TV Networks! Big Ten teams as Porn Stars!: They're all tiresome and tedious. Except maybe that last one, but this is an upstanding family site you disgusting fuckwad. We'll play along here though, and for extra credit we'll do all eleven Big Ten teams as "modes of transportation."

Illinois: The Dodo. If you've played GTAIII (yes, the one for PS2) you know exactly what I'm talking about. You're playing this game, right, and it's unlike any other game you've played. It's sweet - you can kill old ladies, drive any vehicle on the map, and wreak havoc in a realistic feeling city. Then, when you think things can't get any better, you stumble upon this, mockingly called "The Dodo"

The Biggest Cock-Tease in Video Game History

Oh sure, you can get it, and you can drive it. But just try to get off the ground for any discernible distance. Go ahead. We dare you. Fucking hell, RockStar, would it have been that difficult to let you fly the damn thing? Just like Illinois, the thing looks sweet, and runs fine on the ground, but as soon as you try to do anything through the air it locks up and ends in a heaping fireball of twisted fury and a PS2 controller slammed viciously against the floor.

Indiana: Man, I just don't know what to say here. The cliche would be to go with the tractor, both because Indiana loves them some farmin' and the overall velocity of a tractor matches that of the Indiana program. I can't go cliche, so I'll go with the first thing that google images pops up when I type in "Indiana University and Car." Indiana, this is your vehicle:

That doesn't look like Indiana at all!

Odd, since that appears to be the Golden Gate bridge in the background, but also kinda fitting. I mean, that's a classic car that is probably fun to drive. You're not going to get anywhere fast, and I probably wouldn't take it out of the garage on a rainy day, but hey, on a perfect day going downhill, it can probably get you safely to a bowl game.

Iowa: The first thing that popped into my head when I though "Iowa" was this, offered without caption or comment:

Michigan: I think this is going to be a popular response, given the nature of the program right now, but what the hell. Michigan, this is yo' ride:
You just know that thing's got a kickin' V8 in there capabable of putting out a gazillion horsepower. But right now, it's just a rusty lump stuck in park. Wait until Rodriguez goes all Xhibit up on that peice.

Michigan State: I own a Saab, which is among the most frustrating things I've ever done. Oh sure, it looks nice, and wow that turbo is pretty cool too. But, uh, it worked right for about the first 5,000 miles. Since then? Nothing but breakdowns and screwups. Michigan State: You aren't just any Saab, you're my Saab, currently with the Check Engine light aglow and readings that say "multi-cylinder misfire." You're still in your first 5,000 miles; I'm waiting for the inevitible breakdown.

Minnesota: The mall escalator. They're the up side so far, but sooner or later, you've gotta get off that puppy and head back down. I mean, they only go two directions.

Northwestern: Growing up in Indiana, I thought the Corvette was the end-all-be-all of sports cars, and I still love them. After moving out to Boston, and to a lesser extent traveling to Los Angeles, London, and Las Vegas somewhat frequently, I've realized that Corvettes are actually kind of "blah" in the Sports Car realm. You want to show some money? You'd better get that Ferrari or Maserati. I'm pretty good friends with a few NBA players as well - and they wouldn't be caught dead in a Corvette, preferring the white-on-white Bentley, or whatever vehicle was most recently refrenced in the current hip-hop track (I'm not even joking about this). What I'm trying to say is that Corvettes are for older folks who can't afford a 6 figure sports car, grew up in the midwest, and vote staunchly Republican. But here's the thing: A Corvette will blow the doors off of any stock car that you see driving around, including those 6 figure Bentley coupes. To the programs who consider themselves in that "6 figure" range, I would issue a very stern "be careful" when you see that awkwardly purple Corvette pull alongside you at the red light. You might just get torched.
Why Purple? No really, Why?

Ohio State: Still the class of the Big Ten, but I'll let a classic post from the now defunct "mzone" take it from here:

"So, what's it like to travel in style as a Buckeye fan? Check out the pic below that MZone reader Tom sent our way of a Buckeye named "Brad" cruising the streets of Ohio in his sweet-ass ride...
Folks, it's not just the $4 dollar window flag on Brad's bitchin' Cavalier proudly proclaiming his Buckeye pride that lets the ladies know they're hanging with a smooth operator. No, sirree. It's the personalized license plate and the bumper stickers that tell the story of the man behind the wheel of this Buckeye babe machine.

Being a safety guy, the bumper sticker on the left promotes seat belt use and reads, "Please stick it in...it's the law." Get it? "Stick it in." Oh, Brad. Brad, Brad, Brad. You sly master of the double entendre, you.

The bumper sticker on the right says, "Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes." Brad-meister. Goddamn, you funny, funny, motherfucker. Shit, my side hurts. Actually both sides - one for each bumper sticker.

And how does the owner of a kick-ass Cav like this one top the double whammy of bumper sticker brilliance: Bam! - personalized license plate. First, he gets the one with the Ohio State logo, you know, to match the window flag. Check. Then, after standing for hours at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles thinking, mulling, trying to come up with the perfect topper to his pussy wagon, Brad strikes gold: BRAD69.

Naturally, Brad can barely contain himself upon hearing it's not already taken. Surely some other Brad - every other Brad - had to have scooped this up years ago. But, alas, no, Brad, you are the one. The chosen one.

Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NUH! Go Bucks? Not today.

Go Brad!"

Thanks, Mzone.

Penn State: Last week, I wrote that the tag line for Penn State this year should be "I can't believe this offense is working either." What vehicle perfectly matches that? How about this:

Every time this thing starts, I'm amazed, but man oh man, once it's goin' it can sure mow down opponents, provided they're not over 6" tall and made of soft, fluffy grass. Either way, this thing's pretty useless once the grass stops growing, which should be around October 1st.

Purdue:
Awww, that's cute. Why don't you let me know when you get a real vehicle capable of actually going somewhere.

Wisconsin: Wisconsin is a pickup truck. Not built for speed, or stealth, or really anything other than utility. But it runs all the time, has some power, and will totally help you move provided you give them a 6 pack at the end of the day.

2) In Week 1 in the NFL, the New England Patriots learned how precious things can be when Tom Brady had his knee blown out by a former Boilermaker. Let's say your team wins out from here to the end and is in a BCS bowl game with a chance to do the school and conference proud – what ONE player on your squad would you most likely cry about having his knee blown out in the first quarter? That is, who is truly indispensable?

Going through every team so far has been tedious, so I'll name just a few players who I believe are truly indispensable for teams thus far:

Beanie Wells - OSU
C.J. Bacher - Northwestern
Javon Ringer - MSU
Kellen Lewis - Indiana
Juice Williams - Illinois

Really, that's all I can think of. This answer probably won't win any awards, but I need to get to work at some point today.

3) Purdue plays Notre Dame this week and, well, we detest Notre Dame like probably no other program. Let's say I have the power to force you (maybe you lost a bet to me) to wear another Big Ten school's colors to an away game for that team. That is, you're wearing OSU colors to a game being played at Michigan, or something like that. And I'm talking, dorky, head-to-toe… goofy-ass sweatshirts and flat-brimmed, ridiculous-looking hats. If you have to choose, which program would you be able to stomach wearing? (Remember, you're going to an away game, so people won't like you and accept you and you'll be taking this abuse for a school you're not even affiliated with.) And by the same token, what program could you absolutely not EVER stomach wearing, under any circumstances?

I actually wear IU gear during Basketball season (don't kill me, BS!), so I'm all for the Hoosiers. I would never wear Ohio State gear, but had an awkward experience involving Greg Oden during which I had to pretend to be an Ohio State fan. I vomited violently afterwards. I don't understand how Ohio State fans can stand that taste. Seriously, it's like cabbage and cigarette butts.

4) I like big butts and I can not lie. Share your embarrassing guilty pleasure music selection that you know other people might laugh at. Bonus points if you can send a YouTube video of an awful music video with it. Many/most of us grew up and/or went to college in the '80s and '90s so I know you've all got some Nelson After The Rain on the iPod.

I have an entire playlist dedicated to "monster-ballads" on my iPod. I don't even like Poison, but "Every Rose has its Thorn" gets me every time.

BTB Roundtable Questions: Purple Helmet Edition

This week's roundtables are being courteously hosted by friend of blog Lake the Posts, who covers Northwestern with an excellence that far exceeds that of the actual team's. Nonetheless, he is read daily by yours truly, and since Northwestern is converging on being nationally relevant (in a top-25 sort of way) for the first time in nearly a decade, he should be a daily read of yours as well.

On to the questions!

1) The national media is using the Big Ten Conference as a punching bag in 2008 ranking us somewhere between the Big East and the MAC. Based on Ohio State's no-show, Purdue's "APPLE!!!" and Michigan's debacle, it is redemption week in Big Ten Country. However, several teams have very respectable, yet no-name teams (ie. Troy, Central Michigan, Ball State). Tell us how the Big Ten will respond this week in the final week before conference play.

To answer the actual question, I think the Big Ten will be fine this final week before conference matchups begin. The games look like this:

Ohio @ NU
FAU @ Minn
Temple @ PSU
Iowa @ Pitt
CMich @ Pur
Troy @ OSU
Notre Dame @ MSU
Ball St @ Ind

Just like week two, I expect the Big Ten to run the table again, with possible trouble brewing for Minny, Iowa, and Indiana (and Iowa only because it's a road game, and weird things happen). The question within this question, however, is that of the national perception of the Big Ten. For a few years now, we've heard the cries from the corners of the country - the Big Ten is weak, slow, unprepared, and soft. Well, in 2006, we had Michigan and Ohio State to rally behind, and they came with a preloaded excuse for their bowl collapses. In '07, Ohio State was still a monster, but after Michigan's soul-wrenchingly bad start, they (OSU) were also the only team in the conference who could claim national relevancy. This year, nobody's home. It doesn't make the football any less entertaining, and it doesn't mean that the Big Ten is full of bad teams - it just means that the upper crust of college football this year doesn't include the BXI. I expect that to change over the coming years, but there is no sense in denying it now: compared to the other BCS conferences, the Big Ten is pretty weak top to bottom.

2)The conference standings look like someone took the 2007 results and flipped it upside down. Which of the undefeated teams are contenders and which are pretenders (another way of saying which teams have put lipstick on a pig)? Recalibrate your preseason rankings and tell us who the conference favorites are now.

My preseason Big Ten rankings looked like this:

1. Ohio State
2. Wisconsin
3. Penn State
4. Michigan
5. Michigan State
6. Northwestern
7. Illinois
8. Purdue
9. Iowa
10. Minnesota
11. Indiana

Ohio State, despite the no-show against USC, is still, laughably, the best team in the conference, and should win it rather undisputed. I had Wisconsin occupying the number 2 spot, and I would leave them there for now, knowing that Penn State has to go win in Madison before they can claim it. Michigan...eh...I was optimistic. I still think they are capable of putting together a run and finishing at 6-6 or something like that, but 4th in the conference was too high. I've got Michigan State right where they need to be, and I would move Northwestern into the 4 spot vacated by Michigan (pandering to Lake the Posts? Maybe...) Seriously, Northwestern has impressed me thus far, and frankly, I don't see anybody out of the remaining teams as a clear favorite to beat them. The rest is still a jumbled mess of 5 to 7 win ballclubs; ranking them is an exercise in futility. I will say that Purdue, despite the loss, looked sharp against Oregon.

3)Javon Ringer has emerged as the early season best-bet Heisman hopeful from the Big Ten. Real deal or non-conference smoke screen? Does anyone from the Big Ten have a prayer for the Heisman, or is it too late?

Nobody from the Big Ten has a prayer to win the Heisman this year. I doubt anyone will even be invited. Beanie had a shot, but his nagging injury will prevent him from being a serious contender. As unfortunate is this is, Ringer could run for 200+ in every single one of his remaining games, and unless MSU is a contender nationally, he won't get a sniff of Heisman. There are too many good QB's (Tebow, Daniels, Bradford) out there for a player from the marginal Big Ten to get any Heisman love.

4)After three weeks it is time to give your team a new slogan. What is it and why is it what it is?

Illinois Football: Wither Art Thou, Mendenhall?

Indiana Football: We're Probably Better than the Basketball Team This Year.

Iowa Football: They're not booing, they're saying...well...yes, they're booing.

Michigan Football: Not Recommended for Consumption.

Michigan State Football: Now with 75% more Scowling!

Minnesota Football: GO, EXCELSIOR, WIN FIGHT!

Northwestern Football: Affordable Tickets since 1903

Ohio State Football - now with completely justified disrespect.

Penn State Football: I can't believe this offense is working either.

Purdue Football: Position Wanted: Kicker

Wisconsin Football: Just Don't Make us Pass.

5)By now, you've likely adopted a favorite non Big Ten team to watch. Flex your football worldliness by convincing your fellow Big Ten kool-aid drinkers to watch your "other" team.

If you're a fan of gutty, well coached, slightly under-talented teams achieving at high levels, I recommend that you watch Wake Forest play every Saturday.

1) Riley Skinner poses naked.
2) Jim Grobe looks asleep on the sidelines.
3) Wake's defense is better at forcing turnovers than Michigan's offense.
4) Kicker Sam Swank is automatic inside of 75 yards.

Seriously, they're fun to root for because they're the perpetual underdog. This weekend, they face Florida State, who is either ranked, or on the cusp of being ranked depending on what poll you look at. Should be a fun matchup.

BTB Roundtables: Week Three

First a few notes.
1) I did omit Alabama in my poll. This was an egregious error, and can be attributed to uh...stupidity.

2) If you head on over the The Daily Gopher, you'll see a little sidebar with the BTB pick'em results (scroll down...way down). The standings show Beauford Bixel kicking ass and chewing bubble gum.

On to the roundtable questions!

1. We’re two weeks in and everyone in the Big Ten, minus the two Michigan schools and Illinois are undefeated. This week marks the end of your early "tune-up" or serious OOC play. Are you satisfied with the way your team has played against the cupcakes on your schedule, or happy with the way they’ve competed against serious competition?

The conference as a whole should be pretty upset with the way they've played their cupcakes. Sure - we've got a good record, but in every match up that could be considered "tough" so far, the Big Ten has fallen flat on their faces. MSU vs. Cal, Illinois vs. Mizzou, and even Michigan vs. Utah didn't help alleviate the notion that the Big Ten is a weak conference nationally. The debacle in Ohio didn't help either. I think you're seeing a narrowing of the gap within the conference, however, with Minnesota, Northwestern, Purdue, and even Indiana appearing to be much improved from last year (maybe not Indiana...we'll see). However, the traditional big dogs of the conference all appear to have some significant flaws that were exposed during their cupcake performances. Wisconsin let Marshall hang around waaay too long, Ohio State needs no mention, and Michigan is in an obvious 5 alarm rebuilding situation. Only Penn State has been consistantly putting their cupcakes firmly in their bellah - and as such, they get the 2nd highest ranking of the BXI schools in my poll (suck it, Champ).

2. You knew this was coming. This week’s OMG Game of teh Century!!!!1!!1!! until next week’s OMG Game of teh Century!!!!1!!1!! is Ohio State versus Southern Cal. Who are you pulling for and why? Further, if you’re pulling for one particular team tell me why they’ll win, or won’t. If you’re like me and will be attempting to cure a sunburn from over exposure to the sun during the Michigan Notre Dame game by drinking large quantities of whiskey instead of watching the game, state your excuse.

You know when you're really, really hung over, but you have to be somewhere important enough not to vomit? You pull the "gasp, pant, swallow, gasp" routine and try not to sweat all over the place, hoping that nobody smells the booze? Yeah - that'll be me rooting for Ohio State this weekend, except I won't be hung over. The main reason is that I spent most of yesterday in the car driving from LA to San Diego listening to LA sports talk radio. USC fans are incredibly obnoixious - something I never really realized. After hearing them bash Ohio State and the Big Ten for 5 hours yesterday, I'm ready for Ohio State to lay some wood against USC.

Everybody and their mother is picking USC to wipe the floor with the Buckeyes, and I just don't see it happening. If Beanie is really 100% (if, if, if, if) then the Buckeyes will have a good shot of keeping it close enough to win on a field goal or something. The Ohio State defense is much, much better than they showed against Ohio. If they can limit the big plays, and keep it within 7 for the game, the Buckeyes will be in good shape. I really think the "USC players are overconfident" arguement is weak - but hey - it can't hurt...

3. Besides the above mentioned Game of the Century, there are actually some decent match ups this week in the Big Ten. Purdue v. Oregon; Wisconsin v. Fresno State; Michigan v. Notre Dame; Michigan State v. Florida Atlantic; or Iowa v. Iowa State. I said decent. I didn’t say they were all good. Pick the best game from that group, pick the worst game from that group, and Minnesota and Illinois bloggers must post an apology for scheduling Montana State and Louisiana Lafayette respectively.

Best game is easily Wisconsin vs. Fresno state. Once again, we get a Big Ten team traveling west early in the season, which is death. Fresno are giant killers, and frankly, Wisconsin doesn't impress me much. If they can get PJ Hill going, and control the game on the ground, Wisky's got a good shot. If not, this could be a big upset of a waaay to highly ranked top ten team.

Worst game is Michigan vs. Notre Dame. It's an intriguing matchup, but nationally the implications are squat. I think that if there is one game on the schedule that the Michigan defense should be able to dominate - it's this one. However, if the offense can't move the ball, that's going to mean very little.

4. Out of Conference scheduling is always something that draws the ire of journalists and bloggers alike. You all know how weak your OOC really is. Admit it. You’re sad. So fix it. Pick two teams out of conference you really wish your school would schedule. Nursing colleges and the Center for Veterinary Sciences are verboten. Pick two major conference middle to heavy weights or two heavy weight non-BCS conference programs to add to the schedule. (Please note you get to keep your two patsies per season).

College football as a whole needs an entire philosophy change when it comes to scheduling. Every major BCS power should have to schedule other BCS powers for their OOC games. Oklahoma, Texas, Florida, Georgia, Miami, FSU - these are all teams that are screaming for a home at home with big time Big Ten schools. Ohio State should be commended for their scheduling - they're the only team that really gets it. I have more thoughts on this that will probably turn into an entire post at a later time.

5. All college football fans love to tailgate. Even you, you mothers' basement dwelling bloggers, you. Name your beverage of choice on game days. Alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, your readers need to know these things about you, to judge you. Confirm all their suspicions.

I love tailgating, but I'm usually too nervous to drink much. A few cheap lite beers, some Big House chicken (courtesy of Champ's fam, thanks very much), throwing the ball around a bit, and waiting in line at the porta-potty is my idea of a great tailgate. It's not about drinking - I'm too old for that crap - it's about enjoying the time with friends, family, and friends you consider family. Shit, I'm about to cry...

6. Rivalry games dot the schedule this week. If your team is playing in a rivalry game, say something nasty about your opponent then predict a lopsided score to infuriate the opposing fanbase. If you're not playing a rival, then start a rivalry by saying something nasty about your opponent and then predict a lopsided score to infuriate the opposing fanbase. Or just give me a non-offensive prediction and a reason to watch.

What can I say about Notre Dame that hasn't already been said? They're the only fanbase more self-ritous than Michigan fans, and as such, they deserve a special ring of hell. I hate Notre Dame, I hate gold, I hate Rudy, I hate Touchdown Jesus, I hate Coach Frontbutt, I hate Leprechans. Michigan wins 38-0, just to keep things on an even keel.

Thanks go to Dave at Maize n Brew, who will undoubtedly die of sun exposure and whisky this weekend.

BTB Roundtable

Roundtables. They have begun. This week, our questions are brought to us by our frenemies (upgraded from Mortal Foe) Black Heart Gold Pants. Some questions are team specific, and I will attempt to give you the rational fan's answer for each team:

Week 1's in the books. What surprised you about your team? Are you optimistic? Disappointed? (NOTE: Purdue does not apply here, so these fans must talk about Wake Forest instead)

Illinois: A Lemanless defense is not one that I care to be a part of. I am disappointed, but only because I bought into the preseason notion that Illinois was better than a 7 win ballclub.

Indiana: We only return 2 scholarship players next year? WTF? You'd better get it together Crean. Wait. Football?

Iowa: Bad: We suck at quarterback. Good: All our QB's would start for Michigan. Yeah! Dickrod! Plus it was Maine, and like, they suck.

Michigan: Sure, that first game was bad, but give it like, 3 years. We'll be better then!

Michigan State: SPARTAHHHHHohwaitwe'renotthatgood.

Minnesota: [stunned silence at victory]

Northwestern: Woo. Bring on Duke.

Ohio State: PAAAAAAAAAAAAANIC...what's that? He's not hurt that bad? Sweet. We're gonna eat you, bitches.

Penn State: [too high to respond]

Purdue: Suck it, Baylor.

Wisconsin: Jump Around. Jump Around. Jump Around.

Beanie Wells' foot is definitely the top story in the conference. What's #2?

I think there were several very interesting story lines for the conference aside from Beanie Wells' foot. First, Michigan's inneptitude on offense wasn't surprising, but uh, yeah, they suck really bad. Minnesota's win is encouraging, seeing as they have now matched their season total from last year. I thought Penn State laying 66 on whoever the hell terrible team they played was impressive. Finally, the combined failures of Michigan, Illinois, and Michigan State in the three marquee OOC games further reinforces the fact that the Big Ten is still a mediocre conference nationally.

Admit it: you loathe DickFraudROFL (né Rich Rodriguez), but when Michigan scored that last touchdown, you were rooting for them to make the 2-pt. conversion.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it: you're happy that Michigan lost because Michigan for years has represented that team that was unstoppably evil and curb stomped your team 3 out of every 4 years. However, I think what OPS is getting at here is this: Michigan '08 isn't that Michigan. In fact, they're a different Michigan than the last 50 years worth of "Michigans" have been. They're overmatched, young, small, and rather uncoordinated. Seeing this team lose to Utah shouldn't bring you joy, because it's not the same team you're used to rooting against. I am a Michigan fan; I was rooting for the conversion. Anyone who is a fan of the underdog should be rooting for Michigan this year as well; lord knows they're going to need it.

Is this weekend's slate of games actually less interesting than last week's?

Yes. By a long shot. I fully expect the Big Ten to run the table this week, barring the entire Penn State football team being dismissed by new interim head coach Jeremy Schapp.

Don't you hate pants?

Here's what I don't get about pants: why plural? Are there two pants that you put on? I mean - socks-as-plural makes sense, there are two of them. Same with "shoes." But why they hell are pants plural? Does each leg count as one "pant?" And what the hell is going on with "pair of pants?" There is NO PAIR. Fuck pants. I'm never wearing them again.