The Only Game That Matters Presents: Dealing with Peer Pressure

We here at TOGTM know the pressures facing our young people today, what with the cars, the women, the booze, the google, and the smack, and the crank, and the...aw, hell Canadian kids, take it away:


As such, we consider it an obligation to warn today's youth about the dangers of modern society with a little segments called "The Only Game That Matters Presents." Today's topic: Peer Pressure.

Scene: Hotel Room, College Park, Maryland, 8:32 PM.



What up, Jaaaaaahvid Best of the Cal Bears? What's crackin'?





Nothin, man, just tryin to get some rest for the big game tomorrow.





(grabbing the TV remote) I got what you need right here, dog, it'll make you feel hiiiiiiiigh.





Jahvid Best: Nah man, can't do it. Coach says lights out at 10 PM.







Come on, dog, ain't nobody gonna know. This shit's for real, feel me?





Can't do it. Hey, how'd you guys get in here anyways? Do I know you?





Come on, dude, few sips and we'll be rollin', watchin' True Blood on the free HB-hizzle. You ever seen that vampire shit all fucked up? Man it will fuck with you, I promise.



No, seriously, how'd you guys get...wait...True Blood? That's the show that everybody's watching now?




Yeah, dog, it's that show about a telepathic waitress in Louisiana who has to deal with Vampires because they've always been around, and have just now come out into the open, while at the same time having to break stereotypes about the deep South despite being comically surrounded by caricatures of those exact stereotypes. Oh, and he drives home the "vampires are really gay people in modern society" metaphor so hard that it hurts. It's so bad that it will fuck witchu.





Alright man, a few sips and we'll watch True Blood, but that's it, man. I'm still not sure how you guys got in here.



The young men pass around the bottle, drinking fully and selfishly, eager to watch the hot new show True Blood.

2 hours later



(slurring) aiiight. it's timee wee gett on up outta heere





(speaking rapidly, with wild eyes) Guys, guys, guys. I'm scared, guys. Don't leave now.





I knnow, dogg, I told yooou that shit would fuck witchu.





I knew it was bad, but when you actually watch that shit, it's soul-punishing.






Here, dude, take another hit. (passes the bottle)





Dude, I've got to...ease the pain...that show is terrible.






I got what you need right here



Passes Jahvid the bottle, who immediately drains it and passes out with nightmares of horribly acted Southern accents and a weak, played Vampire theme.

The next day at the big game:


(between heaves) I knew I shouldn't have listened to those guys. I've learned the hard way to avoid peer pressure - just because everyone's watching True Blood doesn't mean I have to!


Friends, don't let this happen to you, or someone you love. Don't watch True Blood. It's horrible. It turns out that Jahvid was just drinking water with those two anyways.

As long as we're nominating...

Oops Pow, writing under a funny name for the Fanhouse, recently posted this video and nominated it for a YouTube Oscar:

While we're quite certain that such an award does not, in fact, exist* we'd like to get ahead of the game, and go ahead and nominate our own video(s). OPS boldly claims that the video contains "the greatest soundtrack selection for a football highlight reel in history." Au Contraire, my friend.

I cannot, under any circumstances, recommend any of the following videos. The mere fact that they exist is a slap in the face to proper NSFW rap-tracked highlight videos. Creed is a bold choice, but I submit for the committee's approval the following three videos, all posted by one man, all entitled "Glenville State: The Rich Rodriguez Years."



Instrumental. Touching. Not football. Not even close.



Ok, we're getting a little closer...



2 words: Mariah Carey.

Creed? Bitch, please - Mariah is in the house.

*Yet, people! Yet.

Alex Trebek Answers the Big Ten Roundtable

Gopher Nation - guest of blog; friend of blog; all around good guy - has decided that it's about time the Big Ten Bloggers got together to discuss some very important issues regarding the rivalries that exist within our glorious conference. Of course, neither Champ nor I are intelligent enough to run through the mental gauntlet set up by our Gopher-clad friend. As such, we've gotten another friend of the blog to weigh in. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Alex Trebek.



Thanks for agreeing to answer these questions in a completely fictitious setting, Alex.




What is, no problem at all, I'm glad I could fictitiously be here?




Um...Alex, why are you taking your shirt off?





What is, you should see what I'm wearing under the table...or not wearing?



That'll be fine, Alex, why don't you just sit back down, and um, not do that again. Also, you don't have to answer in question form.




Who was Josef Stalin?



What are you talking about? Should we just get started?




Incorrect, the correct answer was Communist Bastard.



Right. Let's get started.




And the categories are...


ESPN's Adam Rittenberg recently ranked the top 5 rivalries in the Big Ten and there were some controversial results (Illinois v Ohio State as #3?). Clearly Ohio State vs. Michigan is the #1 rivalry in the Big Ten, but give me your next three. Your school does not have to be included in this list, but regardless of who you choose defend your picks.


Ohio State vs. Michigan? Number one? Laughable. The top three rivalries are, in specific order, Roosevelt vs. Hitler, Sodium Hypochlorite vs. Hydrochloric Acid, and finally, Grammatical accuracy vs. Grammatical style.



We were talking about the Big Ten.


Incorrect. First, Roosevelt vs. Hitler is a well known rivalry dating back to 1945, when Hitler installed a countdown clock in the fuhrerbunker outside of Berlin. It was in response to Roosevelt calling Germany America's "little brother."

Second, we have Sodium Hypochlorite, better known as bleach, vs. Hydrochloric Acid. When mixed together, the two react to create Chlorine Gas - lethal even in small doses. You can't even put these two in a bowl game without them literally killing everyone in attendance.



Mr. Trebek, could we please get back to the Big Ten...


Thirdly, the everlasting argument and bane of every writing student ever. This one goes far beyond split infinitives to include all grammatical rules. Can you end a sentence with a preposition? Can you split an infinitive if the situation calls for it? This one rages on - bitter to the very end.



None of these answers are going to be about football, are they?




What is, no?


Why do you answer these "side" questions in "Jeopardy" format, but not the main questions?




What is, it's much easier to write?

Correct. Next question: Obviously winning every game is important and beating really good teams sends a stronger message than beating Minnesota. Assume every team is .500 this year and the outcome of your next two games means nothing outside of pride and a year's worth of bragging rights. Give me the two schools you would want to beat (in order) and why. What makes beating School's A and B significant?


What a complicated question...you know who I really wanted to beat? That smarmy asshole Ken Jennings. You should have seen him backstage, taking all the groupie-poon from yours truly.



Wait a second, there are Jeopardy groupies?



Why do you think I'm not wearing pants? And now that Ken's finally gone, I'm back in the game.


Right. The next question was going to be "take the two teams from above that you claim are your biggest rivals and give me a new mascot for them." But clearly...




...Achurum carinatum



What?




Longheaded Tooth-Pick Grasshopper.

Ummm...right. Next question: There are some new rules in college football this year. My favorite is the Big Ten experimental rule which states that after every win this year you get to pluck one player off their roster and bring them back to your campus. Looking at your schedule give me two players you would pluck (assuming a win), why you would take them and what would you do with them?



Given that this is a non team specific blog, I suppose the correct answer would be to just pick the two best players in the Big Ten this year. I would take Beanie Wells and James Laurinaitis, both from Ohio State. I think Beanie is the most physical running back in the league this year, and the offensive line behind which he runs will provide excellent gaps. On the defensive side of the ball, Laurinaitis provides the exact kind of leadership I want out of my Mike Linebacker position. I fully expect him to learn to shed blocks a little better this year, and as such, he should be a terror in the middle.


Wow...that was remarkably well thought out. I'm glad we got at least one coherent answer.




Answer...Daily Double.



Thanks for dropping by today, Alex, it was...interesting.




Incorrect, the correct answer was Cork, Ireland.



Right...




Where are my pants?

A Letter From Philedelphia Cream Cheese:

Note from Editor: Please read THIS before continuing.

Dear Mr. Tiller,

First and foremost, we'd like to thank you for your continued patronage and support of our product. It positively warms our cheese filled hearts to know that we contribute even an ounce (or 20!) of happiness to you and your family. Did you know that healthy living is 90% happiness and 10% nutrition and exercise*? Or that Philadelphi Cream Cheese, with its smooth, rich taste can contribute to that happiness up to 65%*? So damn the torpedoes Joe! The crestor won't help you with happiness! If we may put on our own white coats here, I'd recommend doubling your daily intake.

Now, about these letters we've been receiving. As you can see, we're most pleased that you enjoy our products. In fact, sales in central Indiana have never been stronger. We're all for the occasional pat on the back here at PCC, but this has gotten out of hand. It started casually enough, a simple letter stating how much you've enjoyed our product, but recently you've sent some pictures that are...shall we say...a tad over the top. In fact, we've been getting pictures of you "posing" with our product for exactly 124 days running. We've tolerated the anecdotes about your former player's nicknames, and what - exactly - they do with their male members. And, as I stated before, we've received the pictures. Your last letter contained this picture:


Now you see, this is where we, as a company, must draw the line. If you would like to send a picture of you and your family enjoying Cream Cheese, by all means...ah...wait a second. You'd better not send that either. In fact, don't send us another letter. Just go ahead and fill up your bathtub with our product, go under, and never ever come up you CLOGGED TUB OF PROCESSED LARD.

DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG YOU'VE MADE MY LIFE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE? I HAVE AN IVY LEAGUE EDUCATION! I AM NOT HERE TO RESPOND TO YOUR NEAR DAILY LETTERS!

FUCK!

I JUST...

FUCK!

I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS. Hang on. Let me pull it together. It started out cool man - Joe Tiller just wrote me a letter. Me! Of all people! You must have taken my kind response - hand signed and written, mind you - as a little sign from above to just keep going. And you just kept going. Kept writing letters. Kept sending disgusting pictures. WELL I'M THE FUCK OVER IT. And I'm SCARED!

I'm scared to death of your retirement. You see, I was a college football fan. Dare I say, I was even a Penn State fan - meaning I was a fan of your OWN DAMN CONFERENCE. The operative word here is "was." You see, now I look forward to those glorious 4 months in the fall because you STOP WRITING. I can't STAND to watch football anymore, because all I see is your warm pudgy body covered in cheese. You've ruined it man, you've ruined me.

And now what? After this season, it could be all Philedelphia Cream Cheese, all the time. I shudder to think of the scenarios you can film yourself in involving our product with all your attention devoted to it. I'm starting to twitch. My therapist says I need to relax, but I can't because EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY I SEE YOUR GAWDDAMN NAME IN MY MAILBOX.

I'm trying to hold it together man, I'm trying. But please, STOP WRITING ME before I have to end it all in the giant Cheese Processing machine right outside my office window. I'll jump man. Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind.

Sincerely,

The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Company

* Statistics researched at the Philadelphia Cream Cheese institute, which isn't even science. Not at all. All it is is a vain hope that if you eat more Cream Cheese, you will eventually DIE YOU FAT BASTARD.


(Terrorist Fist Jab - BHGP)

B Hizzle 'bout to xplod

Yo Champ...Drop the beat.



Unnnnngh


yo yo yo

I was bout to leave with bygone's bein gone
but OPS and HawkeyeState had to go an' prove me wrong.
Just like a bitch they done open they mouth
'cept my ball's goin in 'stead of words comin' out.

See the first clip was cute an' the humor ok,
'cept for tha fact that it was straight NBA.
But tha's all right, I get the need to plagiarize,
ya'll ran outta moves so long ago it's like you're Jaypa in disguise.

I'm glad you got a frat douche to write your last post
'cause I'm 'bout to rip it like Swayze did in Ghost
Now I'll be the first to admit that I ain't no historian,
but to get back to Iowa success ya'll'll need a Delorean.

See UM's been down, now this much is true,
but a good year in Iowa's a bad year in blue.
A pair of pocket six's are pretty good in poker
but 6-6 as record? Dude, that's mediocre.


You think that Kirk Ferentz is gonna' fix what's wrong?
Well your dude Kirk Ferentz couldn't gargle Fry's balls.
I'd like to say the Hawkeye's will be better this year
but with this line up? Shit, there'll be more tears.

It's a good thing that Iowa gets to dodge Michigan
because Barwis and his Boys would make Hawkeye's look like shit again
an' before you say "head coach, Barwis ain't"
whoops - there he goes, he's got you lickin' his taint.


Peace.

B-hizzle.

Holla.

While I Was Out

So, I promised that content may be sparse, but wouldn't be non-existent (double negative what?). I lied. I also forgot the power-cord to my laptop, rendering it a paperweight that had to be removed from its bag at airport security. I grumbled. A lot.

And so, the great content outage of 2008 has come to a conclusion [ed: there will be plenty more where that came from...], and I think we've all learned something. Something vague. Something that would be found in an episode of "Scrubs" while a semi-obscure Indie Rock song played. We've learned that even Dr. Cox can find his tender, humanitarian side, by simply observing the hope and faith that surrounds him every day, instead of the death and despair.

Sorry about that - I watched 3 episodes of Scrubs yesterday on a JetBlue flight from Vegas.

Anyways, the world continued while I was away, and here's what happened:

Urban Meyer was a mess after losing to Michigan in the Capital One bowl. His wife would walk in on Urban in the bathroom with mascara streaking his defined cheekbones just trying to keep it all together, man. Often times, he would wake up and stare at the ceiling listlessly while murmuring "Big Ten Speed." He would then laugh maniacally.

In all seriousness, it was apparently a quote from the venerable Fielding Yost that got him through the loss, to which we say "Bully!"

Speaking of Michigan there has been wild speculation as to the new uniforms, and what - if anything - Adidas is going to change. Mgoblog posted this


and this


as possible new uniforms, but Phil from UMgoblue.com says otherwise:

"I have just seen the official Adidas images of the authentic home & away jerseys.

As much as I begged I couldn't get the images (they're under embargo) but they are *not* what is shown in this thread or at the Women's football academy.

I'll describe them as much as best I can.

The home jerseys have a maize block "M" on the shoulder, the number is a little thicker and seems to be placed a little higher than on past jerseys. There's also a small (1/4 inch wide by 1-2 inch) vertical maize strip running down from the collar that has Michigan in blue.

The away jerseys have a thin maize piping straight across the chest. There also have a small maize strip on the back of the collar that says Michigan in blue.

Both have a small Adidas logo on the front.

The images I saw were front and back shots."

and this

"No joke. The images I saw were described to me as game authentic jerseys for publication in a catalog of *official* merchandise. They didn't know the official release date but speculated mid-July.

My gut impression was that I liked the away jerseys- I've always had no problem with them tweaking it a little bit every year.

My first thought after seeing the home jersey was, "And people freaked out when they saw the (fake) away jerseys."

Let me point out that probably 10-12 years ago Nike did an embossed "M" on both shoulders. You could only see it if you saw a jersey up close in person.

I don't know what to think about the home jersey yet. I'm trying to get my hands on a real one before I decide.

I've looked all over the web and haven't seen anything like I saw. "

and this

"Got another look today. There is a *chance* the official images may be available online mid-July. Published images will be available in late July - early August time frame.


Correction: The small stripe running down from the back of each collar has a Block "M" on it rather than saying Michigan. The Adidas logo is above the number."

This has lead to speculation on what they'll look like, and some enterprising photoshoppers have taken their best crack:

According to Phil, the second attempt is much closer. Take a look at the entire thread here. There is a little more info to be culled for those inclined.

Vegas odds are...odd but also pretty close to what we all assume the top 25 will look like when it is released. As I said, I was in Las Vegas these past few days, and stumbled up to the Mirage sports book, where a man was kind enough to print off early odds for the BCS Championship Game. They are as follows:

USC 2/1
Ohio State 4/1
Florida 5/1
Georgia 5/1
Oklahoma 6/1
Missouri 12/1
Texas 15/1
LSU 20/1
West Virginia 20/1
Clemson 25/1
VA Tech 30/1
Auburn 30/1
Kansas 40/1
Tennessee 40/1
Wisconsin 40/1
Arizona State 40/1
Illinois 40/1
Michigan 40/1
Notre Dame 40/1
Penn State 40/1
California 50/1
Texas Tech 50/1
Florida State 70/1

And so on. This, of course, tells us jack about the upcoming season, but for those people scrambling to get on Michigan's bandwagon (no really, they were hear a minute ago. Guys? Guys?) because of that article that came out saying only 9 teams had better odds? Um...better recount that. I see 12 teams with better odds, and a whole slew of teams right at 40/1 which tells me that Vegas doesn't know where the hell to put Michigan, so they're not taking a bath if UM turns out to be really good. I was going to bold out the weird picks, but then I remembered it's Vegas, and they've got a reason for everything. FWIW, I put $20 on Georgia at 5/1.

We've always been friendly with BHGP. We even use them as a witness (not like in court, but like "can I get a witnessss? can I get a witnessssss?) on the sidebar. But this time, they've gone too far, and will pay. I've got to go clean my verbal scattergun, but when I get back, there will be blood.

OPS: This is my serious face.

How to Not Run a Blog...

Step one: Don't post.

So...um...it's been a really long week, and it's Wednesday. I'm trying for something tomorrow. In the meantime, please try to avoid clicking the movie below:

How to Spell Like a Buckeye

That is all. Thank you, Mzone.

Everybody Smokes Up

Hot on the heels of Mario Manningham's mea culpa letter to all interested NFL parties detailing his frequent liasons with one Mary Jane comes a report out of Columbus saying that 4 players have been suspended after testing positive for marijuana.

Players include Eugene Clifford (2nd offense), Donald Washington,
Jamario O'Neal, and Mo Wells.

After doing some digging (and remote survalliance) we've discovered that Clifford, O'Neal, and Washington were not in pads today during practice. Wells, however, participated fully.

Based on Steve Bellesari's 86.5 BAC reading that netted a 1 quarter suspension, my guess is that the players will be punished lightly. Except Clifford. He's probably dismissed, which is to say that Tressel will feed him to his dogs. That's 5 pounds of white fury commin' 'atcha son.

The Devil's Drawing Room

Scene: A room filled with lightening arching from the ceiling to two main conductors, between which stands, on a raised dais, the Devil's messanger himself. Behind him, in large glass tanks, are the floating souls of college football coaches who have struck a deal for success. Above each tank is a name. They read, in order: Pete Carroll, Jim Tressel, Nick Saban, Les Miles.

The bodily forms of these coaches now kneel in front of the dais. All are wearing black robes except for Les, who is still in chaps and a cowboy hat of the purest white. The Devil's Messenger speaks in a raspy voice that only comes from the eternally damned.

Devil's Messanger: My wards, I have called you here for the purpose of...Miles...why aren't you wearing the robes of wrath?

Les Miles: Whoioooiooo-eeeee! Thems some lighs you got up there boa!

DM: Well, erm, yes Les, the lightening keeps your souls in the state of...

LM [upon another great flash and crack of bolts]: Whooooooooeeeeeee! [claps excitedly]

DM: Erm, yes. Let's get down to business. Tressel!

Jim Tressel: Yes, master

DM: I have delivered to you Terrelle Pryor. What is your pennance? [Ignores LM as he tries to touch the lightening arching overhead]

JT: [flustered] Master, I have given you my soul, and am doomed to roam the earth as...

LM: Whooooeeeeeeee, boa, it's gonna take more than the devil for you to beat my tigers. Hellfire, I'm thinkin' of holdin' a press conference right here and now about...

DM: SILENCE, FOOL! Tressel, you will have the greatest of success in the regular season, but as payment, you will NEVER beat a team from the SEC. It is the will of the almighty evil himself!

JT: But sire, to simply reach the championship game is

Suddenly, Jim Tressel is lifted off his feet by an unseen hand, and is tossed against the wall. His body lands limply against the floor. He remains motionless.

DM: Saban! I have given you all the recruits in the land, and as such, you will be forced to cut those who do not fit into my unholy plan. You have pleased the master, and you will be rewarded.

Nick Saban: Yes master.

Two beautiful women materialize, take Saban's arms, and lead him to a room unknown.

DM: Carroll!

Pete Carroll: (under his breath) sweet. (louder) Yes Master!

DM: Is the device complete?

PC: I just need more batteries, Master.

DM: Good. Stay awesome.

PC: [Flashing "west side"] Peace dude.

Pete Dissolves, to return to his device, and the Master's bidding on earth.

DM: [rolls eyes] Les!

LM: Whooooeeeee!

DM: Les, what have you...what are you doing now? Why aren't you in your robes?

Les Miles, clueless to his location, has began to dance to music only he hears with one of Nick Saban's "reward" women. It is unclear how the woman has found her way to Les, who is also naked, save for his cowboy hat.

LM: [keeps dancing]

DM: LES!

LM: Whooee, this is a damn strong woman here, DM, DAMN STRONG. Now what was it you needed me to do?

DM: [Sighs defeatedly] Nothing, Les, nothing. Just...just kick Tressel one more time on your way out.

LM: Whooooeeeee I'll kick 'em good for ya. [kicks Jim in the head, and dissolves into nothingness]

Jim awakens later in Mexico, not remembering anything but a strong kick to the head from the bedazzled boot of Les Miles.

VLSPSBET

Beauford and I haven’t teased this out yet, so consider the following a trial run… and I PROMISE this is the last time I mention Billy Packer for months… anyways, Monday when Packer continually failed to recognize that the Kansas Jayhawks were utilizing a zone defense in the second half, it got me thinking about many of the misnomers or misconceptions that are continually reinforced by your average sports announcer… and as a result by your common sports fan.

Well gentlemen and madams, when has average ever been acceptable? You’re not that type of sports fan; you’re not that type that lets somebody in your group talk about yesterday’s game, totally BLOW the description and let it slide… no, Beauford and Champ know you better than that. You expect to converse on a higher level when you enter into an intellectual debate within the sports genre; and you expect those conversing with you to have a base of understanding so that you may effectively communicate with them. It’s an unwritten rule that’s simply understood.

So without further ado, we present to you a possibly ongoing series here at State of Game:

The Verne Lundquist School of Proper Sports Broadcasting Etiquette and Technique

Or VLSPSBET if you’re into that whole brevity thing.

Why Verne Lundquist you ask? Because there is no finer sir, and I’m offended that you asked in the first place. SEC folk (shudder) have been privy to his talents for years. Verne is still whipping young pups in this broadcasting game with his smooth delivery, clutch performances, and salient understanding of several sports. All of that while a myriad of analysts out there can’t seem to get a grasp on just one. Think about this, in the Masters alone, Lundquist has been immortalized TWICE:

1986: Nicklaus sinks his birdie putt on the 17^th part of the greatest 9 holes of golf ever played at Augusta, and that moment will inexorably be tied with Lundquists epitome of perfection: “YES SIR!!!!!!!”

2005: Woods holes the up and back chip for birdie on the 16^th proving that golf balls do in fact have a flair for the dramatic. Again, this will never be separated from Verne’s sublime: “In your LIFE have you ever seen anything like that?!”

So there’s your reasoning right there… In these sections, we will deal with all sorts of errata of the announcing type, and likely harbor some very ill will toward several individuals in particular. Who you ask? Well you’ll just have to keep checking back to see won’t you!!! Onward.

Today’s topic for VLSPSBET: The old trusty reverse, what it is, and what it is NOT!

Few plays in football are so poorly understood and so often mistaken by announcers. The reverse is not a new play, it has been around for a quite a while… and yet, it appears that somewhere in the textbook of football commentating, the “END AROUND” was mistakenly switched with the definition of “REVERSE”… naturally, then when a team runs a true reverse, the fools in the booth fall all over themselves to add to its grandiosity, labeling the play “a DOUBLE reverse”!!!! Don’t be that guy dear readers, don’t be that idiot who stands up and screams reverse during a football game when the play is merely an end around, you’d disappoint Verne.

So how do you avoid this most basic of mistakes? How about actually recognizing what each play entails? Without futher ado:

An END AROUND: Is a play where the quarterback hands off to a wide receiver in the backfield. The receiver motions into the backfield as the ball is snapped and receives said handoff from the quarterback, he then proceeds (if all has gone well and according to plan) towards the opposite end of the line from where he lined up, hoping to, as they say, “catch the corner”. If we had a dollar for every time this simple play (and dare we say, when properly used, effective) was exasperatedly called a reverse, we would be enjoying many fine things.

A REVERSE: A reverse is usually built off of your basic sweep play, in which the quarterback takes the snap and pitches the ball to the tailback, who for the purposes of this discussion proceeds to run towards the eastern sideline. Meanwhile, the receiver who started out on the east side of the formation begins to motion in the opposite direction… that would be westward. The tailback then proceeds to hand-off or pitch the ball to the receiver, who is now headed towards the western sideline and hopefully in the opposite direction of all 11 players on the defensive side of the ball. Note the key here is that the ball REVERSES DIRECTION… Not exactly a difficult concept to grasp now is it? What about the ever so rare double reverse? Well gentle reader, simply add yet another exchange on the end of your usual reverse with the ball now in the hands of the third ball carrier on the play (HB – WR – WR) and headed back in the original direction that the play began in, for us, east.

So there you have it, a brief and succinct breakdown of the difference between the end around and the reverse… keep track and savor the moment the first time this season that someone fails to recognized the simple difference between the two!

Pack It In Boys, It's Over!

Beauford's up with the sun and gone with wind. Doing his thing as a travelin' man, headed for those Hollywood nights in those Hollywood hills... maybe not, but it sounds good and if it's good enough for Bob Seger, it's damn sure good enough for us.

Now then, let's get right to it! Champ ain’t much for bragging, after all I hate rude behavior in a man, won’t tolerate it. But methinks we might have found ourselves a bit of an exception here…

With something just north of seven rotations of the second hand around the clock face left in the first half of the Kansas and North Carolina semi-final, the rock chalk jayhawks emphatically pushed their advantage over the Tar heels to a… ahem… “healthy” 28 points, thus prompting Billy Packer to sigh/cry/mumble the following: “this game is over Jim”.

Again, that’s a bit more than 7 to go in the first half, and the analyst has just chimed in with: “this game is over”. I’m sure the CBS van was thrilled.

Now then, never mind that this game still had over 27 minutes remaining in it, and never mind that at times this season North Carolina had gone on 94-3 runs in a span of a little under 5 minutes or that teams have pulled of similar comebacks before (Duke / Maryland and Kentucky / LSU come springing to this writer’s mind)… no sir, that was all ACC spokesman and resident North Carolina cheerleader Packer could take. His team (and let’s not pull punches here, Packer loves him some Tar Heels, and why not, I am no geographer, but Wake Forest isn’t too far on down the line from UNC) was being beaten so badly, that if it hadn’t been for a combination of made free-throws by UNC and Bill Self’s charges inexplicably ceasing to feed the ball down low, I have no doubt that the halftime score would’ve read something in the region of 852-12.

In fact, if the camera had been on the trenchant sob, I’m sure there would’ve been a fling of the hands in the air and a slow movement of forehead toward table. I would pay for that footage with the finest of meats and cheeses in the land, good people. The only truly sad part about this whole exchange was that Jim Nantz didn’t have the wherewithal and the cajoles to rip Packer to shreds… particularly when North Carolina did its best category five tornado impression on the entire state of Kansas and its followers in the early goings of the second half… but hey, that’s CBS and booth chemistry!!! Gotta love it!

Now for the braggadocio, although taking any credit for this is like saying I was right about predicting the sun rising today… that notwithstanding, on with the back-patting! Friday:

“Next? Billy Packer will ruin the TV watching experience of these games for an entire nation of curious observers and die-hard fans alike. There is no bigger wet-blanket in sports than Packer, who hates what basketball has become, hates today’s player, and loathes anyone who doesn’t understand the intricacies of a “box and 1”… oh and did I mention that he is quite possibly the biggest ACC shill of all time? Everyone jumps on Vitale’s case (rightly so), but Packer is even worse. Packer makes me hate basketball, he is as uninspiring and boring of an analyst as I can imagine, and he literally can slow the game down because he brings negative energy to the table.” Packer came through in every regard didn’t he??

You know what the worst part of all of this is? The not so inane fact that Billy is a GOOD analyst at times, he makes good points regarding the actual game of basketball, but his demeanor and the way he lets it affect the way he calls things, ESPECIALLY with an ACC team on the court in front of him, well he just ruins it. If you happened to watch the rest of that basketball game on Saturday, you’ll know that the rest of the evening was spent by Packer talking about UNC 90% of the time, and Kansas for approximately 10%... followed again by him somehow taking credit for knowing that Kansas would win in the end… It was, suffice to say, ghastly. I certainly hope that all the Jayhawk fans were able to get their own radio guys on in some fashion and mute the TV.

And with that, enough basketball pour moi, if you listen closely you can hear the sweet dulcet tones of whistles ringing out over the crack of pads across the country... spring time is here, rejoice!

Sparty What?

NCAA Football, from EA sports, is the flagship game for the college football fanatics who like to try to score 100 points, gain 500 yards receiving with one player, or have Mike Hart win the Heisman 4 times in a row. It has also, over the years, been beefed up to where it is a legitimate stand alone game, and not just "Madden" with less features and more teams. Every year, EA decides on a cover athlete. Recently, Desmond Howard, Jared Zebransky, and Reggie Bush have graced the cover. This year, in a thinly veiled marketing ploy, there will be three different covers (for 3 different systems) each featuring their own athlete. Chosen as the Nintendo Wii's cover: Sparty the Spartan.

That's right. The slightly homo (hey, he turns us on!) mascot for the little bro's themselves. I know what you're saying, mostly because we were saying it too. "What the hell? That's not an athlete, and Michigan State ummmmm....kinda sucks."

Upon further review, however, it was truly the most logical pick based on the following reasons:

1) Have you ever tried to play an EA football game on the Wii? It's terrible. First, you end up looking like a retarded "Star Wars Kid" with the little baton because you have to actually motion a throw. This, of course, necessitates that you stand, waving your arms in various directions looking like a T-Rex who is clawing at something just out of reach. In short: you're retarded.

2) The results on screen aren't much better. In short: your video game players are also retarded.

3) The whole experience leads to complete frustration culminating in a thrown 'troller, blood pressure nearing 180/110, and an insistence on never playing the Wii again.

So, in a deft move by EA sports, they've managed to encapsulate the Michigan State Football experience into one video game. Looking and acting retarded, extreme frustration, and an insistence that you'll never watch Michigan State play again. Since Michigan State hasn't even had a player worthy of the cover, the mascot will have to suffice.

Brilliance on levels man, that's what EA's about.

Beano Cook is Old

Prognostications in April are like farts in the wind: They don't stick, and they all stink. That being said, Beano Cook, who is SOMEHOW still around (if irrelevant) made an appearance on Colin Cowherd's radio show, where the conversation turned to Michigan. Convo detailed in the Freep here. For those disinclined to link out:

ESPN’s Beano Cook appeared on fellow ESPN personality Colin Cowherd’s radio show Wednesday afternoon.

The two got to talking about next year’s outlook for the Michigan football team. Below is an excerpt from their conversation:

Beano Cook: I had a couple people tell me that you predicted Michigan to be 6-6

Colin Cowherd: I think Michigan has quarterback issues next year.

BC: They also have offensive line (issues). When I first heard that, I said ‘Oh, Colin and the predictions. He’s wrong.’ But I think you might be right.

CC: I like them in two or three years. I think next year their schedule is brutal and they don’t have a quarterback. They don’t have a quarterback. You’ve gotta have a quarterback in college football.

BC: They also lost a lot of guys from the offensive line. I think you might be right. They play Notre Dame, but they have three other non-conference games and those games aren’t as tough and they’re in Ann Arbor. Again, 6-6 would be a big disappointment considering the Big Ten isn’t that tough and they only play eight conference games.

…

Later in the show, Cowherd talked about games he’s going to this fall. One of the contests he chose was the Michigan-Ohio State game. He had the following to say about the contest:
“Ohio State is going to kill them. It’s not going to be very competitive.”

So wait. Beano and Colin agree on something?

Come on people, rejoice! What's the exact opposite of a .500 record? 1.000 baby! Trust us, we had an Ohio State grad do the math. Walk on QB? Doesn't matter. You know the last time UM had a walk on? Brain Greise. Is that true? I don't even know! All I know is that Beano Cook hasn't been right about a prediction involving anything other than his morning bowel movement since 1932, and Cowherd (while entertaining) should be ignored at all times.

Michigan: Winnah!

To summarize, this video is how we're feeling:

Head of F-1 Racing to Keep Job Despite Nazi Themed Sex Orgy

Oh, you bloggers are so cute, coming up with post titles that shock and awe, only to find out that the bulk of the post links to something completely different. Very funny. Nazi themed orgy...what will you think of next?

What's that?

That's pretty much a verbatim headline?

Oh.

You can imagine the copious amounts of coffee that was spewed directly into the keyboard when I read this article from the Daily Sun (a British paper). It seems that the head of F-1 racing is going to keep his job after a 5 hour long tape was released of the 67 year old dressed as an SS Nazi barking commands at 5 prostitutes. In a stellar performance, Mosley also played the part of "camp victim having genitals inspected and being flogged on the ass to the point of bleeding."

Holy Hell.

This, of course, led us down the path of equally disturbing kinks involving college coaches.

Les Miles:
Turn ons: Bedazzlers, Chaps, Latex, Damn Strong Bourbon, Press Conferences
Favorite Position: Reverse Cowboy

Pete Carroll:
Turn Ons: Blood, Fountains, Democrats, Facebook
Favorite Position: Lotus Petal (only Pete Carroll and Sting have ever pulled off the lotus petal successfully)

Jim Tressel:
Turn Ons: Small Dogs, Family Values, Church, Car Dealerships
Favorite Position: Missionary. Let's be civil here.

Rich Rodriguez:
Turn Ons: Shredders, Coeds, Pain, The pressure of a hundred thousand people who expect you to beat a vastly more talented Ohio State team this year
Favorite Position: Spread Eagle

Joe Paterno:
Turn Ons: Flappers, Swing, Hooch
Favorite Position: Mike Linebacker. That's what we're talking about right? Where did I put my glasses?

Vegas Bound, Pryor Searches for a Pen

As I mentioned in a previous post, I will be in Vegas for the opening rounds of the NCAA tournament. I expect nothing less than destitution upon my return. As such, content will be non-existent past this post until Monday - and maybe beyond that depending on whether my laptop is in the possession of a guy named Jerry at the Pawn Shop in Revere. This is Jerry:



Also of note, today is D-Day for OMG recruit 2008. Eleven Warriors is calling it the worst kept secret in sports, and has changed their tagline from "Terrelle Pryor is thinking things over" to "Terrelle Pryor is searching for his favorite pen."

An OSU insider (insofar as an anonymous message boarder can be an "insider") has claimed that the OSU staff has already lit their celebratory couches, and the LOI is signed and faxed. He has a history of accuracy with these sorts of things, and has never wavered from the "don't worry, Terrelle's going to be a Buckeye" message. As such, let me be the first to present: Terrelle Pryor. Buckeye.


/circus

Enjoy the opening rounds of the Tourney. If you want to win your bracket here are some cold hard facts:

Butler goes to the sweet 16 (yes, by beating Tennessee), Xavier goes to the sweet 16, and Kansas gets beat in the 2nd round.

That is all. Enjoy your weekend.

Ramblin' Gamblin' Rambles On

Jim Tressel Scurred?: In a report by gleaned from The Wiz (and to a lesser extent the Tampa Tribune), Big Ten coaches are making pilgrimages to learn the secrets to defeating the Rich Rodriguez spread. Who is this spread-defeating kryptonite-toting Ravi Shankar? None other than South Florida defensive coordinator Wally Burnham, who has made a nasty habit of kicking the shit out of West Virginia in much the same way West Virginia kicks the shit out of the superiorly talented teams they play. Ohio State has sent down their secondary coach to learn from the great master, who sits on top of the highest hill in Florida eating mostly olives and virgins. Mention to an Ohio State fan that their coaching staff is...um...concerned...will earn you a tongue lashing consisting mostly of incomplete sentences consisting of the term "dickrod."


Is this man scurred?

My own take? The decidedly sub-par performances by West Virginia against South Florida are more a result of the "Northwestern effect" than anything. This effect occurs when two things happen simultaneously. First, your team must think they're pretty good, and must be reading press clippings saying they're pretty good. Second, they must be playing a team that they think is pretty bad. When these two things happen in conjunction, you get the Northwestern effect. Common symptoms include droopy eyes, reported hallucinations involving the color purple, and being down at half 14-3. Teams like Michigan and Ohio State usually overcome the Northwestern effect. Teams like West Virginia do not.


Welcome to the "Somewhat Big House:"

Michigan Stadium Pre-Renovation

You've no doubt read by now that Michigan's newly renovated stadium will not be the biggest house in the land, the title being usurped by Penn State. This is mostly a result of ADA compliance for which I'd love to be pissed about but...well...I feel too much like a douchenozzle. So my anger has been redirected towards inanimate objects such as phones, silly putty, my cat, and the idiots who didn't plan for this ahead of time. At least now the "I'm too old and rich to actually participate in this football game" crowd behind the wheelchair sections won't have to yell "down in front."

Michigan Stadium Post-Renovation (HT 11W)



March Madness: It's upon us! Hide the children! I'll be in Vegas next week for opening rounds. If that sounds like a bad idea to you, you're 100% correct. I plan on parking my fat ass in a sports book and not moving until I get cut off, kicked out, or run out of cash. In other words, I'll be there for an hour or so.


Terrelle Pryor is thinking things over: In response to Champ's post from a few days ago, I would just offer this: we're crazy. I write a website nobody reads (thank you to those who do) about college football because...um...I'm crazy. Absolute window-licking batshit crazy. Normal people don't do this. So, when Terrelle Pryor doesn't decide to choose a school, we go more crazy. The kid will make up his mind when he makes up his mind. I, unlike most buckeyes I know, don't think he's "like, sooooooo going to Ohio State." I think he's genuinely torn between a few options, and is thinking things over. And playing basketball. And being a high school senior. As for the recent fights - see previous sentence. When I was a high school senior, I loved fights. I loved watching them, I loved backing up my boys, and I loved the fact that very, very rarely was a punch thrown. I would only be upset if it came out that his teammates were throwing down, and Pryor didn't back them up. He's not a bad kid, he's not a drama queen, and he's not an attention whore. He's a high school senior who is getting put down from all angles by complete dweebs who write college football websites and post on message boards. I somehow think it'll work out for him.


Above: Not an Attention Whore; Drama Queen
Above: High School Senior

In Honor of St. Paticks Day: I command you, dear reader, to play this on repeat until I post the "Leak/Tebow Spreadin' Like Butter" feature, which at this rate will come out sometime before Memorial Day.

Have a Good Weekend

I'll have the Spreadin' like Butter Part III up on Monday, complete with RichRoddy goodness (it's fortified!).

In the meantime, I recommend you check out the following blog to see how many of these you love (if you're white) and how many of these you make fun of white folks for doing (if you're not).

Check it out

Finally, I submit this video as reason why Indiana is dope. Especially Muncie. I recommend playing this on loop until your eyes bleed. Then make a pilgrimage.

Iowa Football is All About the Cheddar

(ht BHGP)

Straight Cash Homey. It's how FORMER Iowa football player Dominique Douglas rolls. He'll also steal yo girl if she a bad bitch - according to his facebook page. He's been tryin to get wit da bitches without spendin' his paper for yearz. Word.

On a side note, he is also not going to play organized football ever again, which is sad. State of Game has learned, however, that he has obtained building permits to build a giant money vault filled with gold doubloons and cash. "It's always been how I roll" said Douglas in an exclusive interview. "But up until now, it's always been in a figurative sense. I'm looking to make the metaphor come true. I've always been interested in the fine line that separates the allegorical from the literal. Now, when I roll with cash, I can literally roll in cash. It's art, pure and simple"

Douglas went on to talk about the allegorical meaning of Milton's Paradise Lost for a half hour.

Zoot's Symphony

Zoot's got something for us today; Spreadin' like Butter returns tomorrow.


(A quick note from Beauford)
I love Ohio State's Fan enthusiasm. This was actually dictated from a recorded conversation that Zoot and I recently had. It started as a normal conversation. You know - exchanging ideas, going back and forth, etc. I distinctly remember that something - probably the fact that I was actually having a sane conversation with a Buckeye - made me turn on the recorder. Perhaps divine intervention, because seconds later, this symphony came from Zoot.


I don't just say symphony to be funny - it had everything: crescendo's going from pianissimo to forte, tempo changes, even metric changes. It was beautiful. It started slow, building to the Charlie Weis fiasco...then back to controlled rage...only to build back to the bowl game home game stuff...back to barely suppressed unadulterated hatred...and culminating with the Fortissimo: "Fuck Off!"

Zoot immediately left the room for more water, sweating profusely. Beethoven would be proud.

Enjoy from Zoot, as transcribed by Beauford Bixel from the recording of a conversation 2/20/08. All parenthetical statements were said as an "aside" as if speaking as someone else - perhaps the rational part of his soul:


So can anyone fully explain to me the hatred from college football fans aimed collectively at Ohio State these past two years? I have my own ideas and can understand some of it but I also think that most of it is unjustified. I mean there are some schools that you hate just because they can pull in top recruits and are always winning and you’re just jealous. Notre Dame would like to claim that but I personally hate them for being Irish. That’s just a side note. I really dislike ND for thinking they matter more than any other school simply because of their past. NBC has such a limited sports lineup these days that it is clinging to scraps thrown at it from a team that went 3-9 last year and hasn’t won a bowl game since 1994. Charlie Weis is the most conceited fat son of a bitch I have seen on TV since Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden. Being obese, he realized he needed to do something about it and went for bariatric surgery. When it didn’t work out and there were complications (which is common knowledge and doctors always advise about), he sued the docs. When he lost the suit, he had the gall to send a letter to Notre Dame alums bitching about it.

But I digress, back to OSU. I understand they have not met expectations set in the past two years. But who sets these expectations? The god damned media assholes decided two years ago that OSU and Michigan were 1 and 2 and labeled their match up the greatest game of the century even before anyone stepped on to the grass. It was a great game but nothing like Michigan and Florida this year or Texas and USC a few years back. After the disappointing losses during the bowl games, the media was left looking like idiots (which I think was an accurate representation). So OSU had a bad game against Florida, they didn’t step up. The Gators definitely came out stronger and deserved the win. But was it necessary for every fucking announcer and commentator to rip apart the season and the program because they had a bad game. So the next year, everyone discounts OSU and when they get to the championships, everyone expects them to lose again. This time, the media hedges and says they will be blown out. Blogs everywhere decry the rankings as blasphemous. While they didn’t win against LSU, the Buckeyes also didn’t roll over and play dead. They were in the game but LSU made the plays it needed. It has been extremely annoying to hear about people bitch that the Big 10 is weak and mention OSU’s two losses. They seem to forget that all the games are held in the south and west coast where it becomes a fucking home game for the SEC and Pac-10. They don’t mention the losses that SEC teams had to Big-10, only the wins. Its pretty one sided.

Spectators whine that the Buckeye’s had an easy schedule. They seem to have forgotten that OSU is one of the few schools in the country with the balls to schedule a top 10 team to play during the non-conference schedule. In the past six years, they have played NC State (when they were good), Washington State (when they were good), and Texas, one away and once at home with each team. They had Washington (which is sucking) this past year which was schedule a few years back when the Huskies were respectable. They are playing USC twice in the next couple of years and are having talks with Oklahoma as well. So I don’t buy the soft schedule bit. So what is really behind this hatred. We are not like the Patriots, we’re not cheaters. We play hard and don’t take for granted what we get. Fuck off!