Rich Rod to Clemson - no

Look at me! Look at me! I'm talking now. I don't know what I'm talking about, nor do I care. I just have to talk to fill this empty void! But here's a catchy headline sure to turn some heads, right? RichRod to Clemson! Look at me! Wheeeeee!

In a word: no.

No, no, no no no.

Did you see what I just did there? I put up a headline that is catchy enough to get your attention. You see - you just clicked on my site, which would have paid me more, if I were being paid at all. Tricking your readers isn't really the best idea for gaining a consistant readership, but I do so to make a point: This is where the internets get the reputation for baseless rumor-mongering and vitriol. And it's that easy. And many sites are doing it right now regarding this rumor. It has no legs, makes no sense, and is insulting to anyone with half a brain.

Yo, Braylon!

Hey, you know we play Penn State this weekend, right?

(ht on the photo to Deadspin, which, like, dude...)

Seriously though, this had to be a bet, right? Please? Braylon?

Don't Panic

"In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the Outer Eastern Rim of the Galaxy, the Hitch Hiker's Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactica as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words Don't Panic inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover"

This is what you wanted, right? You there, I'm talking to you. Yes, you - the one with the maize and blue on. This is what you wanted for the past three seasons while you wailed from your (seated) position at the Big House for Carr to just retire already, right? That's what I thought.

And yet - here we are - with you saying things like "inexcusable" when talking about the very change that you wanted to see. Change that YOU called for, Mr. Michigan fan.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to ask me if it's ok to be mediocre; if it's ok to have lowered expectations; if it's ok to no longer be the leaders and best. No. It's not - and I don't think that anyone is suggesting that it is. In fact, the very people who are steering this ship are the people most upset. But here are the facts:

Your offensive line can't block
Your quarterback can't throw

When these things work in concert, these things happen:

Your bowl streak will, in all likelihood, end this season
You will, in all likelihood, lose to Ohio State again
You lose to a MAC team for the first time ever

And you know what? None of these things matter in the slightest. Oh sure, they'll go down on the record books, and Michigan FANS will lose bragging rights over other FANS, but since when does the fate of a program rest upon accolades that only FANS care about? It doesn't.

There is no offense that adapts to inaccuracy from a QB.
There is no offense that neutralizes a bad offensive line.

Rodriguez knows this. That's why he's running the damn zone-read so often. It's why he's forcing his system on these players who aren't adapted to run it. I-form slams into the line aren't going to work with this team - they're missing too many FUNDAMENTAL skills. Any attempt at making Michigan a competent offensive team this year will do two things:

1) It will fail
2) It will retard the improvement in the offense that Rodriguez was hired to run.

You want to know what happens when a coach is brought in to run a specific system, and not everyone buys in? Look at Auburn. Tony Franklin was brought in to run a system that had success at every level. When the coaching staff didn't buy into the program, the offense was not only a spectacular failure, but one in which there was no discernible reason for the failure.

I'll put it this way:

Michigan's offense is failing, but in so doing, they are gaining valuable experience for the future, because this offense IS Michigan's future. Auburn ran/is running a bastardized version of the Air Raid that sucks, and won't lend itself to ANY future improvements.

If failing truly gives you the opportunity to learn, then at least Michigan is learning something that will help them in the future. Auburn doesn't have the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, because they won't be running the Franklin/Tuberville bastard offense in the future. Their failures were for naught.

Rodriguez has jumped blindfolded and headfirst into shallow shark-infested waters. When he comes out the other side - and all evidence supports that he will - his team will be ready to fight. But right now, he - and all of us - are still in those waters, fighting for our lives.

So stop it, sir. Stop booing, stop stomping your feet like a petulant child calling things inexcusable and unacceptable. You wanted this change; you got this change.

"Those who stay will be champions" is bullshit and not applicable here. Those who stay will be pained, elated, tearful, truthful, ecstatic, angry, and joyful. There are no guarantees in life, and even less in sports. For myself, and Champ, I think we'll stick around to see how this ends, and not be such insufferable twits. For those inclined to call things unacceptable, boo 19-23 year old kids, or start raving about a lack of offensive direction or the deterioration of the entire program, I will not care if you cease to breathe.*



*Not applicable in real life

Roundtables? Roundup.

Last week was, uh, not so good in the whole "posting new content" realm. Oh sure, we got around to some things, but when the number 1 tag of the week is "functionality" which is a fancy way of saying "post about how we don't have time to post" that ain't good.

I did host the Big Ten Blogger's roundtable, which was done "Jeopardy" style; I provided the answers, and the bloggers provided the questions. The participating blogs:

Off The Tracks
Enlightened Spartan
Happy Hour Valley
Maize and Blue Nation
Varsity Blue
The Nittany Line
Maize n' Brew
Boiled Sports
Lake the Posts
Ground Zero East Lansing
Black Heart Gold Pants
The Buckeye Battle Cry

Chances are you've read it already, but Black Heart Gold Pants used the format to launch into a celebrity Jeopardy parody of sorts involving JoePa. Read it, like, right now. No seriously, read it, then come back.

Now that you're back, lets take a look at some of the answers I provided, along with the correct questions:

Answer: Jay Paterno and the Spread HD

Most (read: all) went with a play on the fact that "spread" could applied to your legs, and that "HD" sounded a lot like "VD." The correct question, however, was "How the hell is this working so well" or "Surely Jay's just getting lucky here, right?"

Answer: Joe Tiller's Mustache

Full points to Maize n' Brew, who knew that whenever Joe Tiller's name is invoked, the correct answer is always:


Answer: The Color Purple

The correct question, of course, was "What is the classic novel by Alice Walker chronicling the life of Celie, a poor black woman in the rural South." Christ, do none of you read?

We also accepted "The color of Pat Fitzgerald's penis"

Answer: Brains

Full points all around here, as most took this softball and lobbed it out of the park. The correct answer was "What's for dinner?"

Answer: Hawkeye State

Hawkeye State is not Iowa, nor is it the "state" of fans of Iowa. I thought this was clear, and apparently it wasn't. I meant Iowa Blogger "Hawkeye State" of BHGP. We would have accepted anything involving an Elephant Walk.

Answer: Rudy

We accepted both Varsity Blue's succinct response of "Shitty Midget" as well as Happy Hour Valley's more lengthy response of "Who is a giant douche that managed to be the subject of an “inspiring film” about his lame-ass story of walking on to America’s most hated college football team and going from towel boy to getting a sack in his final home game despite being offsides?"

Answer: Knee Ligaments

The correct response was, of course, "aaaaaaaaaairgggggg" or any variation thereof.

Answer: Terrelle Pryor

Varsity Blue, again: "Why am: I fucking terrified of Ohio State?"

We also would have accepted any variation of "dumbo" "radar ears" or "holy hell this kid is going to destroy everything in his path for the next 3 years god-damnit why the hell does Ohio State get these kids, Columbus isn't even that cool, fuuuuuuck."

Answer: Mark May

Ground Zero East Lansing sums it up thusly: "Who is the biggest benefactor of the "Ugly Friend" effect? You know the theory - all sets of girls have one ugly friend that makes the others look better by comparison. Who is Mark May's ugly friend? You guessed it...Lou Holtz"

Answer: Rich Rodriguez

Boiled Sports: Who fooled Michigan?

Well played, for this season.

And that wraps up the wrap up. Sorry for the delay, and enjoy your Monday!

There's No Justice In This World Anymore

For centuries and centuries, people have searched the ends of the Earth for proof of a higher power... today they need look no further. There is in fact a God, and he just so happens to hate the University of Michigan Wolverines Football team.

No further words are necessary, we all knew this would be a building process, but I couldn't have been more wrong in my preseason outlook. I'll stand up and take it like a man: I WAS WRONG. Completely and totally wrong. Biasedly and hope-filled-optimistically wrong. I thought a young offense that had some talent could manage to gel and become competent. I thought a pretty highly recruited QB would be serviceable enough to lead this team. I thought an experienced and very-talented-on-paper defense could step it up and let this team grow a bit without costing us games. The offense hasn't gelled, which is a shame because the way some guys like Martavious Odoms and Sam McGuffie are playing, if the surrounding cast were ANY better, they would be legitimate stars and the offensive unit would at least be functional. God, however, feels it necessary to ensure that every pass poor Nick Sheridan throws is tipped and picked off. The world is a funny place.

Some blame the system, but of all the turnovers that this team has lost, how many can anyone possibly attribute to a system change? 25%? Maybe? Today, AGAIN, turnovers cost Michigan a football game. It's nauseating... nay, it's soul crushing. It's one thing to get outplayed, it's entirely different to simply gift-wrap a football game... week after week. The defense has gotten worse the past two weeks after a masterpiece of a performance against Wisconsin. Apparently after beating a top 10 team, we respond by forgetting how to tackle, bring pressure, and wrap up. Our offense goes in spurts and bursts, and then it seems like we forget that "hey, we moved right down the field by throwing downfield!" for the rest of the afternoon.

Someone somewhere this week will say: "Hey, the D only gave up 6 points" and someone else will likely say, "yeah that's right!". That's true, but they also let the opponent march all over the field, they let them dig out of terrible field position (Zoltan with another tremendous game by the by) time and again. When this team need something, anything to provide a spark, the defense didn't respond. When they would correctly diagnose a play and be there behind the line of scrimmage, they would arm tackle or flat out whiff and turn a 2 yard loss into a 6 yard gain... time and again.

This team is playing worse now than it was in week one, this defense was worse this week than they were last week, which I didn't think was possible. This was a truly terrible team we lost to today, which makes us... well for right now: worse than truly terrible.

Tol... I can't even type it.... the opponent ran the same THREE PLAYS all day, and we declined to stop any of them. Every time they stacked the wideouts, shockingly it was a halfback draw... and yet everytime, we lined up with three down-linemen and only one linebacker anywhere in the same zipcode as the middle of the field... which suffice to say, is not the best way to stop runs up the middle of the field. Their only receiver set a Michigan Stadium record today by doing the following: running 7 yards downfield and stopping. Convienantly, no one felt this player in the other uniform was worth the time or effort to cover, and less convienantly, their QB is in fact capable of hitting a stationary target a mere 10 yards away. This strategy worked out for them to the tune of 20 receptions. 20. Yes, as in one more than 19.

In fact, had the opponent decided to not get so tricksy on 3rd and short throughout the game, it is likely that they would've won by a previously unthinkable margin. The third play was one where trips would line up to one side, the QB would sprint out to that side... stop turn around and throw to a back who had slid out the other way, and find him sitting there with nary a defender tween him and his goal. This is a defensive line that is one of the most loaded in the conference... so what do we do? We play three down linemen all day. Then what do we do? We top that nice bowl of ice cream with the warm chocolate syrup of a soft zone... mmmm mmmm!

How fitting is it that a team that has struggled so badly all year would lose by the following:
- A 101 yard interception return for their only TD of the game, and losing the turnover battle to the tune of -3
- A kicker's career long 48 yard FG that lands on the crossbar and goes through
- A missed 26 yard FG by a guy who simply didn't miss last season

There will be misery laden breakdown upon misery laden breakdown... but it's very simple: if you can't tackle, you can't block, you can't keep the football in your possession, and you can't hit receivers when they're open, you can't win football games. Schemes and play-calling and personnel will all be dissected to the microscopic level, but if you can't perform basic activities of the game we call football, all that other crap is for naught. The greatest plays in the world won't work if you can't do anything proficiently outside of snapping the football.

Logical and constructive criticism is well deserved, this team got embarrassed last week, they got called soft... and they come out this week and do this? It will be interesting to see what adjectives are used this week. I can think of many, but am trying to remain somewhat detached and somewhat reasonable... There will also be the nonsense and roof-jumping-woe-is-us type of commentary that will become more and more difficult to tolerate. Unfortunately, the realities of this situation still don't make losing football games any easier.

Further proof that God has a sense of sick humor? The program on the BTN after this game? 90 minutes all devoted to the past greatness of Michigan Football. Sadly, I can't even bring myself to watch it.

How are we rewarded? We now get to take this non-cohesive mass that some might call a team on the road to State College, PA... possibly without our best player, and I get to honor plans that have been in place for a while and will watch the 99.99999999% certain undressing in person. I understand that this team is young, I understand that we are going through a monumental shift... what I simply cannot understand is why it is that this team has suddenly forgotten how to do even the most basic of fundamentals. Michigan isn't losing because they can't run some complex play... Michigan is losing because they can't execute enough separate fundamentals to actually make plays, even the most basic plays, work.

College football can be pure extasy at times, but right now? Nothing but agony. I understand that this team simply isn't that good, but they way they're losing football games goes well beyond that, it goes to a level that I've never before witnessed. I will try to recall this several years from now when the death butterfly (ht: Brian... or as some might call him, Brain) emerges from the cocoon that this horrifyingly ugly larva is currently trying to form, but right now, there's just not much optimism left.

But I'll still be there next week, ready and waiting, screaming and hoping that we manage to put together a football game. Why? Because there's a quote that's at the heart of Michigan tradition, not the superficial crap that some people call "tradition", but actual tradition:

"True loyalty is that quality of service that grows under adversity and expands in defeat. Any street urchin can shout applause in victory, but it takes character to stand fast in defeat. One is noise - the other, loyalty." -Fielding Yost

There will certainly be better days, and if they'd like to give us a sneak peak of those days sometime over the coming weeks, that'd be wonderful.

GO BLUE!

Mea Culpa

Apologies all around, lack of posting this week, particularly the weekly TGULP, is on my shoulders. Though it's tempting to think I crawled into a hole of sorrow and despair after last week's total breakdown in Ann Arbor, I promise that is not the case. A recent change in schedule has put time at a premium, and once things settle down just a tad normal posting should resume. Again, apologies and enjoy today's slate of games...

FIRE UP, IT'S SATURDAY!!!

For What It's Worth

For what it's worth, I tried. But, try as I may, I cannot force my internet connection to be anything more than brief and weak. Thus, the BXI Blogger Roundtable wrap-up must be delayed until tomorrow, which is fine, really because tomorrow is Saturday, and I know that you'll all be ready to read something fresh after your games anyways.

Apologies all around - it's not often that life intercedes, but when it does it comes with the fury.